Thursday, 23rd April, 2009   *tired*

i'm tired of having to keep treading to keep my head above the water.. i'm tired that it takes so much
work & yet i'm often left with naught .. i'm tired of having to explain  myself.. i'm tired of not being heard..
i'm tired of having to sell myself like a raffles ticket salesman..  i'm tired of being so unappreciated.. 
i'm tired of convincing myself to press on.. i'm tired of lying to myself.. i'm tired of being tired.. i am done talking.. 

at times like these..i just want to scramble up to to land.. away from the dark swirling waters.. 
up onto higher grounds.. where the water can't reach me.. where i dun hafta keep treading to 
keep my head above the water.. 

Tuesday, 31st March, 2009   *back in His arms*

time & again He's been calling me back to His arms.. what started with praying for the safety of my little ones.. 
which i found such a chore to do it every night.. gradually became my favourite thing to do each night.. 
& i actually started looking forward to our time.. just Shanny&God.. & this time i think i'm here to stay for a really long time.. 

it's really amazing.. how my little ones who i believe are Angels He has placed in my life are always the one
who brings me back to Him & my spirituality.. & always, always.. the ones who help me find & hang on to the very 
essence of who i really am.. 

Sunday, 29th March, 2009   *workshops & workshops*

it's funny how  it all started with Rhea.. & our vet recommending Reiki.. & then the doors started opening one by one.. 
all the classes i'd always wanted to learn when i was younger.. a splendid weekend of Reiki 1 with Elaine Grundy led to
another weekend of Animal Communication class with splendid Rosina Arquati.. you have to try it to believe it.. trust me.. 
I was skeptical at first too..& now i'm looking forward to Reiki 2 & Animal Communication 2!! since this year I'm trying to
cut down my trips & spend more time at home with my dogs.. i shall spend the excess $$ on classes.. 

Thursday, 26th February, 2009   *1yr on without you~Puppy*

i'd always thought i could never go on living a life without you.. and having finally  lost you.. i sometimes think that the thought 
of losing what i have now.. the fear.. the crazy paranoia.. the over-protectiveness.. the fear of losing what you actually have now is worse.. 
much worse than to actually have lost.. its not just before your pet falls ill.. its from the time he reaches 5? 6? that you start thinking
are you the lucky ones who make it past 10 yrs? or could it be 6? 7? 8? 9? 10? 11? 12? 13? 14? 15? until you finally lose him.. 

i don't think that people who don't have aged pets or love their pets more than their own lives would really understand.. 
the fear.. that grips your heart with its cold metal fist.. & the spikes pierces through your heart..
you can't breathe.. & the cold cold fist crushes your heart.. you can't breathe.. you really can't.. & it feels like you'd go crazy..
sumtimes you do.. but your love for him forces you to step through the fire to bring him to safety.. & you can do it only.. 
only  because of your love for him.. 

sumtimes i'm surprised at how far i've come since losing you.. i still love you as much.. but maybe i've come to accept that 
i still have to finish my time here before i could come for you.. so i'm pushing on.. sumtimes i think its because i still
feel you here.. it's like you haven't left.. or it could be that your love still fills my heart.. or maybe i've just learnt how
to put the dam up & stop the torrent of emotions & tears.. & i mull on without stopping to think of you.. i think of you
everyday... what i mean is to really  think of you.. & to really  feel you.. so i am all right... 

i am all right.. even feeling a little smug about it..

& then i close my eyes & imagine you here... & i cry so hard i can't breathe.. 
i can't mutter anything more than "i love you.. i love you.. i love you... wait for me.. wait for me.... wait for me.."

things i learnt from losing you - #1 - a good cry only lasts you 16 days #2 - i actually enjoy having a social life  #3 - every love song seems to be singing about us #4 - i sleep with my head permanently @ 45o angle where u'd always slept #5 - it never hurts less.. it comes in waves.. #6 - i learnt to cry behind my shades while keeping a straight face, driving #7 - i forgot how to exist in a world where you don't..   #8 - happy silly songs make me cry too - those i danced to with you #9 - i actually really do not like waking up early.. i used to wake up & open my eyes & see you in my arms & would always feel instant bliss..  #10 -  you let me stand tall in the sun, my arrogance, my rose-tinted glasses #11 - car rides & plane rides make me cry  #12 - i can never buy the time that God will not give #13 - lulled into a false sense of security i forgot i was afraid of the dark.. for over 12 years you were always there by my side #14 - you were the only reason why i'd always rush home - to be by your side  #15 - i didn't miss a day in this 366 days of missing you!  #16 - u made me realise how silly some problems in life are.. if they should even be called problems at all!!  #17 - dead dog's club - only those in it will know it

to where you are - Josh Groban Who can say for certain Maybe you're still here I feel you all around me Your memory's so clear Deep in the stillness I can hear you speak You're still an inspiration Can it be That you are my forever love And you are watching over me From up above Fly me up to where you are Beyond the distant star I wish upon tonight To see you smile If only for a while to know you're there A breath away's not far to where you are Lie gently sleeping Here inside my dream And isn't faith believing All power can't be seen As my heart holds you Just one beat away I cherish all you gave me Everyday I know you're there A breath away's not far to where you are

Friday, 26th December 2008   *i*S Engaged in Ta Prohm*

i think initially they'd plan to "setup" the proposal in Angkor Wat itself.. but Ta Promh has lovely tall big trees
growing into the temples & lesser people.. & its where they shot Tomb Raider! 

Setup : 

#1 - Xian told me the box containing the flowers was actually Canon Lenses (really smart.. i use Nikon & can't share canon lens so i didn't bother opening the box!) 
#2 - Taking group photos over & over again at that particular spot!! (i normally setup the camera.. but Ivan was sooo nice to offer to help me)
#3 - we took like 5 group photos & the tour guide's already very far away.. & i was getting off to dismount the camera from the tripod.. (but they kept asking me to go back)

haha this was where the setup was found out! like how many times do we need to take group photo at the same spot!! 

no romantic teary love declaration & cheesy self-written poems.. BUT thanks anyway dearie for everything you've given me in this 5 years!
i love you! *muacks*

many thanks to Xian & XP for helping Ivan buy & sneak the flowers all the way to Cambodia & for hiding it so well 
that I was more shocked to see the flowers than the actual proposal setup.. 5 roses for the 5 years we've been 
together.. & for helping us take lots of memorable photos & video! & of course the Ring-Bearer Isaac who had to
carry the ring in his pocket everywhere for 2 gruelling days!!  thanks everyone for making this day so special!

Tuesday, 10th February 2009   *spoil me silly with electronics*

i heart electronics.. wanna get a fail-proof present for me? just make sure it comes with an on/off switch! 
i'd only planned to buy a new dive cam set-up this yr.. but funnily, everything i thought of getting a new one,
but decided against spending unnecessarily.. the older one i already have will just go bonkers & have to be replaced! 
& i got them all sponsored by the 2 men in my life *evil laughter* but seriously.. i was just complaining of my office 
monitor then it spoilt that day..& i said hmm maybe i should change my home one too.. but decided not to waste the money! 
then kaboom!! spoilt.. and my home desktop and my handphone..even my stupid mouse!! until it got eerie.... and i thought 
i'd better stop thinking of wanting new stuff before their generosity runs out & since my "wishes"  seem to be promptly granted..
by "spoiling" the old one.. so i'd have to buy a new one, i'd better stop "wishing"! 
 

last electronic gadget on the list : fujifilm's latest F200EXR & of course not the entire strobe setup.. just that wide angle lens :P

Thursday, 1st January 2009   *2009*

into the first minute of 2009, right after watching people scream with joy counting down the last
seconds of 2008, i felt the warmth of tears reach down my face.. torn between relief and heartbreak
for the year 2008 that's gone by.. 

2009? 
i will stand tall in the sun again..
i will get back on my feet.. 
i will not run.. but i will walk.. 
until Your Grace sends wind beneath my feet 
and then will i run again.. 
and the times i find myself on the ground.. 
pls lay here with me.. 
& place him in my arms.. 

Wednesday, 31st December 2008   *Goodbye 2008*

2001 NY eve.. i remember i was by my poolside, with Puppy running up & down, doing his cute little sprints.. 
coming outta the fog.. it was such a beautiful night with him... my 18th NY eve.. & i woke up then.. together
with him by my side.. 

2006 NY eve - i was filled with sooo much excitement for the coming year.. for the first time i wasn't running
miles ahead of life but actually abreast with life.. no longer living in the future but in the present.. and with
all the wanderlusting & my beautiful family, dogs & Ivan.. that was true bliss..

2007 NY eve - reluctantly left 2007 behind.. 2008 felt like it would be a really quiet year.. in the sense that it's
not going to be crazy highs.. more of a me-growth year.. & indeed it turned out to be the harshest year i have 
ever faced.. that will always ring with loss.. i lost the love of my life.. a love i loved more than my own life.. Puppy.. 
grow? i guess i did.. but did i grow up or did i grow weary of life? now i'm running against life.. into the past.. 
chasing after shadows of us with both my feet chained to tomorrow.. 

2008 NY eve - i have to believe that 2009 will be a good year.. that God will be kind to me & my loved ones.. 
i thrust my life in Your hands.. please be gentle with it.. resolutions for 2009? i will stand tall in the sun again..
i will get back on my feet.. i will not run.. but i will walk.. until Your Grace sends wind beneath my feet and then
will i run again.. and the times i find myself on the ground.. pls lay here with me.. & place him in my arms.. 

21st to 25th December 2008   *Chronological Christmas*  

Celebrated X'mas early with Chibuddy @ Sentosa on the 21st! made a X'mas Tree Rice "cake" for the dogs!
Met Kor for Acres X'mas Dinner & for more drinks @ East Coast Sunset Bay.. & off to Miao's for Chibuddy's
MJ till the weeee hours! 

the people who i celebrated most of my earlier Christmases with! Windsor neighbours.. this yr's our 19th
X'mas!! 

the most important X'mas celebration of all !!! with my FAMILY.. 

check this gift out!!! entirely handmade by my sis's bf for her! *faintz*

finally whisked off to Annie's place to meet the rest of Chibuddies for X'mas MJ & TCSS & Coffee.. 
at 4am we were off to the airport for our 5 days of  X'mas in Cambodia!! 

Saturday, 6th December 2008   *Veron's Wedding*

my childhood best friend/windsor neighbour.. who loved me unconditionally & taught me soo many things..
& together we had so many firsts! 1st contact lens, 1st baking, 1st cooking, 1st singing, 
1st guitar, 1st blading, 1st poem, 1st songwriting, 1st card games, 1st clay-making, 1st origami,
first Church Mass, 1st prayer sessions, 1st rosary praying, 1st gold rosary ring from her mum & so many more
firsts... & i can still remember her jokes, the scenes clear like a video on replay..

though we're continents apart now, the sweet memories & all you have ever given me
will always be embedded deep within my heart.. & i'll always be grateful for you.. 

Thursday, 18th December 2008   *waves*

it comes in waves.. it's like saying goodbye all over again..  

i miss u.. i can say it so many times without it meaning any lesser
lost in busies.. till the last 2 days.. i knew another wave would crash the shores..
dreamt of you this morning.. in my dreams i was coming home on the way
up.. "taking stock" of my dogs by their barks.. 1) Caramel 2) Rhea & then 3) You Puppy..
on my way to work.. the 1st song on the cd-player was Your Song.. "You are so beautiful to me"

Poopsiyo.. wait for me ok? i have to believe that we'll meet again.. otherwise it'd
all be too much to bear..  
Monday, 24th November 2008   *christmas trees*

passing the Christmas tree @ AmkHub, i could still remember the 3 of us taking silly
photos there.. & sadness fills my heart.. You were here just last Christmas.. & all 13
Christmases before that.. sometimes i can't quite understand the finality of this.. 

Found my Christmas spirit back last year with kiddos M&N.. God's splendid gift of a 
wonderful last Christmas.. 
  

Monday, 22nd September 2008   *a Ring is a Circle*

found out today tt I'm getting my Ring!! & the 1st person I thought of calling & screaming
my joys to was 'her'.. & with that a jab in the heart.. guess with time everything just quietens
down.. & then u regret the things u've done hurting back.. more often than not relationships
dun fall apart because of the actual problem.. but its when they fail to stop hurting back.. 

guess it started when i realised we were really going to be parted by real distance.. & tt's when
tears just sprung & i knew.. that i was really going to miss 'her'.. & then 'damn! what had i done?
with all the hurting back'   Sorry

Wednesday, 17th September 2008   *alone in a car*

driving to work/home alone is where i'm at my most vulnerable.. over the months i've perfected 
the art of crying behind my shades, without any facial expressions.. sumtimes hours go by lost 
amidst busy schedules.. & i try not to think of you sometimes.. until i'm all alone driving.. 
that's where there's no escape.. where the missing just gets too much and i just can't stop the tears.. 

1 glass of wine & here i am.. crying.. hardest i've ever let myself since March? still, am crying without 
making a sound.. restrained.. somehow i just can't let myself fall apart in anyone's knowing.. or perhaps 
its because i know that if i let myself go.. i might just fall apart and never get put back together again.. 
just like humpty dumpty.. 

Tuesday, 26th August 2008   *6ixth*

6 months today.. i'm a tearful mess.. whoever said it gets better is saying it 
outta lots of compassion in order not to scare you silly, straight into suicide mode..
if they'd let on how bad its gonna really get.. u'd prolly preferred to have done it there
and then, and not after moping around for months & then realise its not going to get
any easier.. and God.. you have a whole lifetime of this horrible disgustingly sickeningly 
revoltingly empty aching never-ending gut-wrenching heart-breaking fist-clenching 
hair-tearing head-banging blood-curling mind-numbing wall-kicking nail-digging 
lip-biting heart-pulping relentless mind-f*cking torment.. 

Puppy-love, you must know that i'm missing you terribly.. what am i to do with
all these over-pouring love & tears & pain & longings & fears? 
even the mercy of dreams don't come easy.. 

the sun goes down 
And he sends his stars without a sound 
I will wait for you angel 
To escape with you angel 


You are far too much beauty for this world 
The sky prefers you 
So you can soar 
Fly away angel 
Don't be afraid angel  


Flew towards the moon in the sky 
Its light as bright as your eyes 
Then I prayed for you Angel 
To escape with you Angel 


Sancken's Doll - Natalie Walker

Friday, 13-15 June 2008   *LATE- Dive Tioman Paya Spa Resort*

Browsing through the photos for this trip.. i couldn't find any nice pics!!! there weren't many to choose
from either!! Looking at the earlier trips, the photos then were much nicer despite crappier
cameras & terrible skills.. last time we'd take pics of EVERYTHING!! even those black
sea cucumbers you see littered all over the sea bed.. OR maybe we've just been skipping
more & more dives!!! 

Went to ADEX together with the usual Dive Kakis to try to get some Black/White Manta LOBS or
like some Sipadan trip.. but TADA!! we ended up in Tioman Paya Spa Resort.. >.<!!! 
Room sucked.. but company, wine, diving & food was good!! We slept from 11pm to like 11+am!!
Only doing 3 dives.. though Tioman's reef is so much healthier than the past few years!!

anyway more of yucky pics here --> http://divecove.ivanshirleen.com

Wednesday, 6th August 2008   *missing you*

for that missing friend..

A thousand times I've seen you standing
Gravity like lunar landing
You make me wanna run till I find you
I shut the world away from here
As everything we know fades to black

We could have had the sun
Could have been inside
Instead we're over here

Drink to all that we have lost
Mistakes we have made
Everything will change
But love remains the same

So much more to say
So much to be done
Don't you trick me out
We shall overcome

Half the time the world is ending
Truth is I am done pretending
Too much time too long defending
You and I are done pretending
 
Love Remains The Same - Gavin Rossdale

Tuesday, 5th August 2008   *flipped*

oh my God.. how the hell did i get from being sooo pissed to reminiscing & then forgiving & then
not wanting to fight at all & just want a happy little world in a matter of minutes?? 

see saying "ommmm" works! 

Tuesday, 5th August 2008   *let sleeping dogs lie*

for that Man..

why can't you just let sleeping dogs lie? if you don't understand what that means you can read this : 

let sleeping dogs lie (http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/let_sleeping_dogs_lie)

To leave things as they are; especially, to avoid rekindling an old argument; to leave disagreements in the past.

for 1 thing i've learnt in 25 yrs of my life - maturity doesn't come with age..

why are things always so complicated? do men enjoy eating each other for a past-time? 
i'd like a world where you could turn your back to the crowd & turn back around not to find
knives sticking into your back.. no games.. everything should be done from the front.. 
only cowards hide in the dark.. some people live long enough to see the villain in them.. 
some people live their whole lives seeing saints outta the villains in them.. I can't believe 
the audacity of some people.. 1 person actually! 

i dun care about ur stupid childish games.. is that the best you can do?? just holler & bellow 
& wave ur fist??? 

pls.. dun ruin my happy ending.. of my happy world with happy people and happy sissys.. 

Sunday, 20th July 2008   *Happy Birthday Kiddo Naw!*



Happy Happy Birthday!! *hugs & kisses*

Hand-made a card & friendship band for Kiddo Naw! Would have loved to buy her
lotsa gifts but the thing is gifts have to be quite subtle so that they do not incur
ridiculous custom tax costing much more than the actual gift >.<!! 

Started out on this 1 month ahead in order to reach her for her bday on time.. 
guess what?! It only just got posted out today!! *takes a bow*

Hope next year this day I'll be able to celebrate your birthday
with you in person!! 

Wednesday, 30th July 2008   *-_-*

5 months on -_- post-carousel.. this is how my face looks -_-
can't seem to get anything done at all.. dun really wan to do 
anything either.. its like i just wanna lie here & just.. well..
just lie here.. 

you noe how it is so unfair? 'you never get to choose, you
live on what they sent you & you know they're gonna use
the things you love against you' i dun really think that there's
this whole big conspiracy of using things you love against
you.. like would it matter to u if you didn't love it?  

for those who have loved & lost sumone..
then i guess u noe wat it means 'one foot in the grave,
one foot in the shower'.. life goes on.. u move on whether
u like it or not.. u move on as a whole or in whatever bits
& pieces that are left of you.. as much as u wished u'd died too.. 
but there u are in the shower, getting ready for work.. 

'there's never time to save, you're paying by the hour' ha..
this reminds me how i paid & bought as much time as i could
have.. but like i said.. u can never buy the time God will not give..

damn it! 

Falling Awake - Gary Jules

You never get to choose
You live on what they sent you
And you know they’re gonna use
The things you love against you

One foot in the grave
One foot in the shower
There’s never time to save
You’re paying by the hour

Monday, 21st July 2008   *let the carousel spin*

Carousel - Shirleen

as the carousel spins faster & faster 
the days disappear into this crazy whirlwind of a storm
in the blinding lights.. I throw my head back & laugh..
round & round & round it goes
i'm laughing louder than I've ever laughed..
and I can't stop.. 
I'm laughing till my sides ache.. 
till tears stream down my face
& still the carousel spins faster & faster

i get off the wooden horse 
breathless from the exhilaration
& as the lights fly by 
i see you standing still in the flying lights
our eyes catch each time i spun by you
i tugged at the carousel trying to get it to slow
round & round & round it goes
i run against the spinning carousel
desperately trying to get to the point where you are..
round & round & round it goes 
catching a glimpse of you in every full circle it makes.. 

tears stream down my face
and i scream your name over the din of carnival music
happy clownish carnival music
& i scream your name over & over & over again
grabbing my chest to numb the pain
breathless from the pain
i stood gawking in disbelief  
i screamed your name with spit flying off my lips
someone please make the carousel stop..
make it stop, make it stop, make it stop
but round & round & round it goes

i climbed back up the wooden horse
& throw my head back and laugh
as the carousel spins faster & faster
a kaleidoscope of colours is all i see..
i laugh louder & louder
above the carnival music
happy clownish carnival music
i laugh till tears stream down my face
& round & round & round it goes

                                            ---shirleen

Friday, 18th July 2008   *Happy Birthday Pupsy!*

"when it comes to u.. the rest of the world fades away.. and i can only see you.. if only they knew.. of the love we share..
that if God'd permit I'd give you years off my life so I'd never have to wake up without you.. 
if I had to choose 1 thing to keep with me for life.. honestly I think it'd be YOU.."

You are so beautiful to me
Can't you see? 
You're everything I hoped for
You're everything I need
You are so beautiful to me

our song..when i heard this song.. you were the first thing that popped into my mind..
the most beautiful Angel in this world.. this day last year I was making your cake.. 
and you were smiling & posing for this photo.. & who'd know this day this year.. 
this photo would cause my heart so much pain.. 

those pixie eyes of yours.. in which all my imperfections were perfected.. 
thinking back on all the 12 birthdays i've had with you.. i'm eternally grateful
for having found you.. that little body which could hide me from the rest of
the world.. i still can't fathom how you could have so much love in your tiny heart..
beautiful.. you're just so beautiful.. the 1st to have felt my heart whenever i cried..  

Happy Birthday my Puppy.. Mummy loves you so much!! I hope I'd let you felt loved
every single day of your life.. *Muacks*

Friday, 21 June 2008   *Perfect Pairs post-BKK BBQ*

Perfect Pairs - cos u can pair us anyway you wan.. & the arrangement would still be a-perfect!  

Wednesday, 4-8 June 2008   *Perfect Pairs in Bangkok*

Was such a splendid trip the 4 of us! minus the fact that i'd cot the stupid virus in SG & promptly fell sick on the 2nd day
with a fever that wouldn't subside for the next 5 days! with dessert wines packed over from SG.. that's called "enjoy life man"
We didn't shop much this trip.. more of a R&R or maybe cos of the fact that they had a half-dead sick patient with them! 
BKK has quite lost its appeal.. hmm.. doubt I'd be going there unless for stopovers before heading to the Thailand Islands
for diving.. but still i LOVEE the food there & the cheap doggy stuff! Came back with 6 doggy beds @ $4 or $10 each! 
In SG they cost around $30-$50.. what a rip-off!!! i still love Suan Lum though.. really hope they'll keep it around.. 
the atmosphere & stuff there's different from the other places in BKK... 

anyhow was a good 2*Pairs bonding trip! came back with even more plans for our next few trips together & BBQs & Wine & Dines! 

Tuesday, 10th June 2008   *& everytime feels like the first*

sometimes when i lose myself in day-to-day busies.. it almost feels like i've moved on.. just as long as
i don't think of you.. & when i do, it always feels like the first time.. rips open my wound over & over
again.. it still hurts as badly as the first time.. i still can't believe that i'll never see those pixie eyes
of yours again until the day i die.. ohh.. if only you knew how much i'm missing you.. i know you 
miss my hugs & pats & kisses.. & it breaks my heart to think that you're missing me too..  
the rest of my life seems awfully long to be living without you..

Sunday, 25th May 2008   *Pandora's Box*

i don't quite know what to say.. just yesterday morning i'd stared at the candies & my heart ached for us..

& at nightfall, finding out much more than i'd already known.. was i surprised? 
am always one who forgets fast & hold the good things to my heart.. 1 can do me bad..
but a moment of kindness from them makes me forget the bad & cherish the moment & then its like
the bad never happened.. so i guess no, i wasn't surprised.. i'd always known but i'd just forgotten the bad
& came to love us.. i liked the sound of "us".. of you & me.. 

Honour your friends.. especially those closest to your heart.. despite my shortcomings, that's something
i'd always given the dear ones.. no matter how wrong they are.. you can tell them in private.. but in the
face of others, you're a team.. maybe a little extreme but no matter how wrong you are i'd never admit
that in front of others.. & i'd fight for you.. & even if you fall.. i'd still fight with you till we're both on the
ground... much less to say, you never.. never ever put them down in front of others behind their backs.. 

u come from the front.. never from the back.. that's the Honour you give to those closest to your heart..  

my heart's so quiet.. i feel like a little kid sitting on the steps, whose parents are so late in picking 
them up from school.. & i'm waiting.. watching everything go by in slow motion.. & then i get annoyed with 
them for being this late! & moments later i'm close to tears hoping they'd show up & whisk me away
back home & tell me "everything's gonna be all right"..  & we're back home.. & we laugh about things
& we give kisses & i'm just laughing.. & i forget about the miserable feelings & thoughts while waiting 
on the steps when they'd forgotten to pick me up.. & i'm just laughing.. 

Wednesday, 30th April 2008   *not every friend u luff with lets you show your tears*

wat can i say about these 2 months? 1 line i guess sums it all : "not every friend you can laugh with lets you show your tears""
guess i've never really had something happen that i needed a listening ear until recently.. & in the midst of tears, i can almost
laugh out loud.. half amused half baffled at the insensitivity of some people & their extreme sensitivity only towards themselves..
how in the midst of someone else's problems, they have the ability to turn everything around and make it all about themselves..
friends you'd shared so much joy & laughter with, you learn to hold back ur tears because they simply will not have the capacity
to allow for your tears to flow.. 

i don't really understand.. how at the times when they fell & cried, we'd all held them & pulled them back up.. & when it came to
others' turn to fall, they simply couldn't remember how it felt like to be on their knees guess sometimes their own problems will always
seem more significant than others.. but all i can say is.. material & r/s problems over life & death problems? even so, we've never
belittled others' problems..

and what you can feel, what you went crazy about, what you bothered others about, you simply have to remember that other people
can also feel, go crazy, and bother others when they too face problems.. u really just have to remember how it felt to be down there.. 
and return that same kindness.. & even if you can't, don't deny them the right to feel.. i guess most ppl never understand till
it happens to themselves... some simply forget how it felt.. or simply feel that their problems were more significant... 
well i can only hope that when their time comes, people will give them more kindness than they did.. 

& as i look back.. on things i'm supposed to forget.. i'm all too aware that i will laugh, but i will never again show my tears..

sometimes people say that they're always betrayed / taken for granted.. but honestly i do think that if you take the time to sit
and look inside and be really really honest, & less self-righteous, if a few friends do that shame on them.. but if its repeatedly 
& you're always making new & den drifting from old friends.. then maybe u had a part to play in it

Friday, 18th April 2008   *superficial*

all the rubbish stuff I bot a week after Pupsy left.. they're still sitting nicely wrapped up in their boxes...
have only opened the box from Amazon with all the books about dogs & parting.. 

feeling shitty today.. oh my god.. i don't believe how stupid i can get.. 
i even surprise myself.. if only it wasn't so funny, i would prolly be crying hysterically... 

"in the fleeting light, our shadows reached out, entwined.. as light dissipated, we took our own places back in the dark, estranged"

so played with the pics of the things i bot.. hopefully this just makes me a little happier enuff not to
go spend rubbish money on rubbish stuff again.. 

check out the winter jacket.. *lol* i have no idea where I'm going to wear it to.. was thinking of
going to some cold wintery countries after he passed on.. since I have back my passport..
but merely 2 weeks later my passport's snatched outta my hands.. obligations & responsibilities
from all directions.. but like what a few ppl said.. i'm so afraid of the cold i could prolly wear
it to the movies.. ha ha ha

i still wanna go away.. to somewhere.. not to escape.. i just need to stop and breathe.. need
to find my footing again.. been knocked off my feet by what seemed like 2 trains.. hit & run..
they never do stop to clean up the mess.. you'll just have to pick the pieces up & breathe..

i've always done everything merrily almost to such an extent that it annoys ppl around me
that i've always got this rose-tinted sunglass on my nose.. guess its broken now.. i'll just
have to find another one.. i'm trying not to complain & depress about things.. 
i'm just overwhelmed.. but i'll be ok.. i always am.. eventually.. 

Tuesday, 15th April 2008   *l-o-v-e*

love, isn't it supposed to be like in the movies? the pillow fights in this bright white living room, 
sharing a mug of coffee on the bay window watching rain fall on the glass? & after years of 
marriage, you still lie on each other's arms & talk & giggle.. 

no no, things aren't bad.. you noe.. they're ok.. 

& Claire says what I'm thinking.. & we'll always wonder if there actually is someone out there
who will make love the way its supposed to be just like in the movies? or is love really just
like this? is this really all there is to love? where once a single bed was too big.. now a queen
sized one is too squeezy.. 

if i don't think about things.. i'm fine i can almost be happy.. but on quiet nights when i think about it..
makes me almost always cry.. 

Saturday, 5th April 2008   * i think i'm done *

"i'd bought as much time as i could with you.. but i can never buy the times that God will not give" 

do you realise.. that this is the 1st year in my life i haven't screamed about "i love februaries" ? 
its the first winter in feb.. 

"& i'm not crying my eyes out, my heart ain't exactly breaking.. i'm just done.."

once upon a time, not so very long ago.. i'd wanted to live on and on and on forever..
i loved life with soo much conviction, i bulldozed over those who ever complained to me
about life.. i mean sure.. life is complicated.. but life is really really so beautiful.. my life
may not be perfect in the eyes of others.. but to me it was.. beautiful beyond perfection..
everything i'd ever wanted, or maybe i'd never wanted luxuries.. so i'd always had enough..
a beautiful family which went beyond the immediate family..an extended family that bursts 
with love & affection.. my beautiful soulmate - You Puppy..

"that just by looking into your eyes, all the imperfection in me & my world was perfected"

i guess some people will never understand.. baffled? bemused? disgusted? ridicule? 
that a dog could be the one who held the fraying seams of my sanity together? who
had the gentlest of hands that my heart has ever been placed in? how could a dog be the
one who had loved, understood & owned my soul? that just by looking into your eyes,
all the imperfection in me & my world was perfected? 

"when tribulations brought me down onto my knees, you were there on the floor with me"

12 & a half years, through my teens & into my twenties, through the coming & going of 
relationships & friendships.. u were the 1 constant in my life.. when tribulations brought me 
down onto my knees you were there on the floor with me..the 1 heart that broke along with mine.. 
when i dreamed at night, you were there in my arms dreaming along with me.. & when i cried.. 
you'd always be the first to have felt my heart.. & would you believe if i told u he'd cried along with me? 
& when i laughed.. would u believe it if i told you that dogs can smile too? 

"through the coming & going of relationships & friendships.. u were the 1 constant in my life"

the tears aren't actually falling all the time.. my heart ain't exactly breaking.. i'm just done..
once when i'd wanted immortality.. i thought i'd never be done with life.. there'd always be
things i'd wanted to do.. & lives i wanted to live.. that i can't possibly finish in this lifetime..
but right now.. i'm done.. that night as i laid & cried.. it was the first i didn't tell God to give
me more time to keep doing the things i loved.. but to take me home.. i'm just.. done.. 

"i'd bought as much time as i could with you.. but i can never buy the times that God will not give" 

Friday, 28th March 2008   * Shitty-Poo! *

"we were so blessed.. right up till the very end we were sooo blessed.. makes me almost wanna laugh about it"

Shitty Poo!!!!!!! Silly little dog you're such a little Shitty-Poopiyoyo!! & I love u, u silly little dog!!!
am i crazy? who thinks back about parting & actually smile about it? apparently i'm the screw loose one! 

but Poopy, we really were so blessed.. right up till the very end we were sooo darn blessed! 

most people don't get to say goodbye.. we did.. a million times.. never once did I leave the house without
an elaborate goodbye, 2 steps out the house & i'd rush back in to pick you up and give you even more last
kisses before i went out.. sumtimes even returning thrice or more!! 

the 1 week u fell sick.. things were supposed to get so ugly which would require me putting you down..
but i prayed so hard or perhaps you listened when I told you to let go.. silly little dog.. you actually listened..
you were always the bestest boy in the world.. even right up till the very end.. you listened.. its the 1st time
God answered my prayers soo fast.. i was a little shocked when I watched you leave.. you looked like you
went to sleep.. just 3 tiny whimpers & you stared into my eyes & slept.. & all my bravado faded away..
I thought I was being so brave, telling you its ok to let go.. & then there was nothing I wanted more than for 
you to stay.. but you didn't suffer.. & it was fast 1 week.. & you were still well & running around the house
after me.. that is supposed to comfort me right? then why does it hurt so bad? 

Guess God was so kind.. giving us your sudden illness as time for us to say our real goodbyes... 
1 week without work.. just 24/7 of goodbyes.. & since sept last yr, i'd switched working hours to 10-4..
we had so much time together.. & so many cancelled holidays just so I could always be with you.. 
can you count how many times we said goodbye?  

was just feeling thankful & grateful & blessed.. then tell me.. why does it hurt so bad now? 

Wednesday, 26th March 2008   * YOU - the 1st thing i always thanked God for & now u're gone *

"lulled into a false sense of security, 12yrs & i'd forgotten i was afraid of the dark, for you were always right there by my side"

1 month on.. its a wonder i'm still here.. not quite alive.. if only you were here, it'd all still be manageable..
but with you now gone.. it all gets too much.. always found a peace, comfort & solace in you.. it was like you'd
read my soul.. we never needed to speak.. holding you close to my heart each night, counting your heartbeats,
feeling your chest rise & fall with each breath, looking into those eyes that burnt right through me.. you'd
seen & owned & loved my soul.. too many things have happened since you were gone.. stared right into the
eyes of death with you.. & another glance into death's cold dark eyes.. this time i glanced away in time.. 
was it you who kept Daddy safe? 

"i can't seem to die.. & suicide doesn't quite get one to Heaven does it? & so still, i breathe"

15th March.. i'd just started to understand you were never coming back & had started to really cry.. & on Sunday
another part of my world came crashing down.. God never gives you more than you can handle.. if you were here,
like i said, it'd still be manageable because you helped me breathe when it all gets too much to take.. right now.. 
i'm barely breathing.. 

thrown into unchartered waters, i'm drowning, struggling to keep my head above waters.. if i was really in waters.. 
i would have given up trying to swim.. in this unfamiliar world, i don't know how i'm supposed to be reacting right now..
i don't know what i'm supposed to be feeling.. & so still, i sit frozen as everything whizzes pass me at lightning speed..
this time i'm really on a runaway train & i can't get off..

Wednesday, 20th February 2008   * can't they see? u are my life *

  if i could choose one thing to keep with me for life.. honestly i think it'd be YOU 
when it comes to u.. the rest of the world fades away.. and i can only see you.. if only they knew.. of the love we share..

can't they see? that you are my life? how do i live, when you are my life? when you would be the one thing i'd choose
to keep with me for life? over 12 yrs you'd slept in my arms... how am i supposed to fill that void when ur gone? 

"when you're in the dark, you'd cherish even the fleeting moment of a match-stick's glow" 

yesterday, your bright eyes finally shone, it was you again behind those eyes.. you came to me and asked to
be carried.. prodding my hands repeatedly for that pat on your head.. how you kept looking me in the eyes..
you're finally seeing me again.. and for the rest of the day I finally smiled and laughed.. how you'd jump outta
the towels and run at me and sticking your body sooo close to mine!! i could breathe and live again.. you wore
that pixie-look with those perfect round eyes of yours.. and that forlorn look filled with so much love.. 
i could never give you enough of my love & time.. even when I'm beside you, you'd still always wanted more..
forgive me for I love you.. but my love was never anywhere near the love you'd always given to me.. 

the past few days watching u sleep.. each time you woke, you'd open ur eyes so big and wide.. and look around..
and when you finally see me, your eyes go really wide and surprised to see me.. 

and when you came home to sleep, you even went straight to mark the walls.. our morning in the garden.. 
how you'd always like to sit in the morning sun and bask and how ur eyes get really small but beaming
in the light.. this morning you even wagged your tail and looked at me... guess u were more excited
seeing ur bear-wife..  

watching u grow thru the years.. i really still can't fathom your love.. so unconditional.. so forgiving.. so giving.. so steadfast.. 
never fails to amaze me and leave me in tears.. how you sneaked your way into my heart and took the biggest warmest tenderest part..
Everyday i imagine life without you.. and i can't.. u've seen me thru my hardest times.. and brought me the most heartfelt laughter 
and smiles in my life.. I would if God permits.. part with good tens of years of my life to give you those tens of years.. 
forgive me for being greedy.. but with you its just insatiable.. I love your pixie smiles.. your cheekiness.. your manjaness.. your sensitivity.. 
still the fastest and only one who noes even before the tears have fallen.. you would have felt my heart before even I knew i was crying.. 
the one thing that keeps my wandering soul longing to stop the wandering.. and just fly home to your side.. 

if i could choose one thing to keep with me for life.. honestly.. i think it'd be YOU...

Wednesday, 20th February 2008   * my heart bleeds *

I can't begin to tell you.. just how much you mean to me.. how each morning i wake up to you.. and know that this life's worth living.. 
every moment that i'm without you.. i miss you with every heartbeat.. and i can sleep soundly each night just feeling you beside me.. 
watching you sleep.. i thank the stars above that you were placed in my life.. how could i ever ask for more.. than to wake up beside you.. 
i never want to wake up to a morning knowing you won't be here anymore.. but the love we shared.. and the memories in my heart will keep me going.. 
until that day.. I'll give you all the loving.. and pray God will let me love you and hold you.. for many many more years to come.. 
you make everything so beautiful.. and it's all because of you... *~PuPpY~*

if God'd permit, I'd give you years off my life so that I'd never have to wake up without you... 

Saturday, 9th February 2008   * where trains do not turn around *

Going on a trip you'd planned for all your life.. you've watched a thousand videos of this place.. 
you've read every single book there is to read about this land of dreams.. a trip you'd been wishing 
on every birthday candle.. to a place you thought would be everything you'd ever dreamed of..
you get your tickets and board this train.. with all the zest a 5 yr old kid would have.. and you get
butterflies in your tummy.. out the window turns out to be everything you've seen on TVs and postcards.. 
as the train goes uphill and downhill, through valleys and mountains.. somehow you start getting this
nagging feeling that you ain't quite sure where you're heading is where you really want to be.. 
you shake off this fear and you close your eyes.. willing yourself, forcing yourself, convincing yourself
to believe you still do want to get there.. that you would be so happy to be there.. sometimes the
fear dissipates and you're able to enjoy the view and you really believe this is going to be the right
decision.. but then every now and then it rears its ugly head and if you could without killing yourself,
jump right off the moving train.. you tear through the stacks of hotel reservations and boarding tickets,
desperately trying to find that clause that would render you free of this crazy escapade.. but there really
isn't one.. after all the trouble you and others have gone through to make this trip possible.. the hotel
people would be mad you'd think.. what about the hundreds of passengers on this train.. a detour is
impossible.. and there really isn't a station in between where you could get off.. a one-way track up to
never-never land.. where trains couldn't turn around, where there isn't a ticket to take you back home..
and you're trapped in all these fears.. a hundred chances where you'd land would be ok.. not too fantastic..
but ok.. you could live with it.. but what is the odds of a hundred chances? would you even make the 
statistics 100 out of 10,000? everything in you tells you to jump ship.. but you're unable to move..
you're in this train.. moving forward while it chugs along.. you're hurtling forward at 300 miles per hour.. 
and you can't stop.. and you don't want to stop.. yet you don't want to go forward.. but everything is
pulling you in that direction.. you're running as fast as you can in the carriage against a train running 300 miles
per hour.. trying to outrun it.. to go backwards.. to return back to where you'd come from... 

a train ride.. along a one way track.. where trains do not turn around.. 

Monday, 21st January 2008   *  Letters from Myanmmar, Tears from our Hearts*

Ok.. you can skip this 1st part cos its just ramblings.. but do read the part in red, 
part of the letter from our kiddo.. **WARNING** it'll break your heart!

Work has been unrelenting since November.. Totally tired out today.. and was 
thinking as I was walking from the car-park to my house.. today would be
a really nice day to receive a reply from our little kiddo in Myanmar. *TA-DA!!* 
saw the bright orange logo! muahahaha God must really love Shanny! 

Goodness.. this little one is a real heart-stealer!! Can you believe a little kid can have such a 
magnanimous heart?? The things she understands & feels, I'm not quite sure I can even imagine 
a kid in SG would ever comprehend.. As I sit here in all of our luxuries, with the sounds of cars 
zipping by, the hum of the computer and the plastic bags of clothes, shoes, bags, we are 
throwing out for CNY, I can't help but feel the guilt.. like how did it come to this?  
that their world of poverty actually exists simultaneously with our world of luxuries?  

Wednesday, 16th January 2008 *???*

pissed off.. its like watching your baby fade away right before your very eyes.. Like playing a game of Chess 
where the other party has taken both the Kings & Queens and no matter how hard you try to figure a way out, 
before you can make the first move its "CHECKMATE".. you don't even have a King to run down the steps to a 
Stalemate. Like whatever you do outside the surgery theatre, you ain't no doctor.. 

LIKE.. you're drowning in poop & sumone gives u a roll of toilet paper to clean it up.. Hello?? I ain't pooping.. 
Its DROWNING in poop.. HOHOHO why do I find it so amusing?? 

on a better note, my Victoria's Secret X'mas Stash should arrive today!! Especially love the passport cover!!

Friday, 11th January 2008 *water*

feel a little more like 2008 now.. after catching up on my sleep for the trip to Batam with Chibuddies..
& closing 2007.. I function like an accounting program. gotta close 1 yr before u can open the next! 

#1 to get done.. Joce wedding.WenYi wedding.Ivan's Bday.X'mas.NY Batam Trip updates!!!

Started my yearly "where? what? calendar" & suddenly I have plans!! Didn't have much "physical" things I
wanted to get done this year initially.. Really really did feel more like a Quiet & 'Me' thingy.. I guess to
some extent it will still be.. I mean how long more can a chicken run around without its head? 

i do wanna get my Sailing License.. & Powered Craft License afterwards so can upgrade to 24ft Yacht ! 

Tuesday, 1st January 2008 *2008*

2008 already feels like a quiet year.. somehow without 2007's BOOM BOOM BOOM start! no one with enough leaves 
to fly away every mth with me.. but again that's good so i won't be torn between my dogs & traveling.. 
Have already bought / done most things i wanna buy/do.. in 2007.. 

What do I want for 2008?? 

ok.. actually there isn't like really alotta things I want.. Guess I've already got all there is to need or want! 
Beautiful Family, Dogs & Friends!! Material-wise.. I've got more than enough already.. and more than enough 
for impulse-buys.. 

What I really really want.. my dogs & family..  something not quite possible.. 
"If God'd permit, I'd give you years off my life.. so that I'd never have to wake up without you.."

well.. just let me down easy... 

Oh well... maybe this year's a good year for 'ME'-growth.. 

"I just know that IF i don't move my ass soon, I'll always be the person behind the screen electronically giving away $$$.. 
I've always wanted to do something more.. something BIG.. ya.. I guess this year is really a ME-year.. to find back the ME 
I used to be.. with all the crazy crazy dreams and really crazily crazy enough to believe I CAN MAKE DREAMS COME TRUE!

 

2008 - Wishes & Hopes in random order
Family	Carry-on what we're doing cos we're so darn good at being F-A-M-I-L-Y !
Dogs	Cut down on trips.. oh so contradicting!! but guess the loves of my life come first!
Diving	Bring my Stinky Little Sister into my world of Diving!! jus 1 or 2 good short trips so I can be home with my doggs!
Work	Get ahead by 6 mths.. i'm always 6 mths ahead for the 1st half of the year then engine dies.. then i'm 1 mth behind time!
Work-time	Move it towards 9-3pm workdays! I hate going home when the sun's going down!
Friends	Be less 'nua'.. meet my friends more!
Dive Perhentian	Really wanna dive Perhentian.. hopefully with Chibuddies so we can take a train & Werewolves all the way!
DiveTioman	Miss the Teh Tarik & Prata every morning!
Family Bintan	Annual Family chill-out (cos parents are so darn lazy to travel any further!) really nothing to do but bonding & juice shakes @ pool bar !
$$$	No more expensive facials! Just normal ones.. the rest --> CAMERAS!
Underwater Housing	Either bring my dSLR underwater - $2.2K or a whole new P&S setup - $1.2K
Wet Lens	Wet Macro - $800 & Wet WideAngle Lens - $1.2K  + Adaptors - $500
SOULFOOD	I really do want to make it for a trip up to Eugene's outreach at Petchaboon Refugee Camp sometime soon! I just know that IF i don't move my ass soon, I'll always be the person behind the screen electronically giving away $$$.. I've always wanted to do something more.. something BIG.. ya.. I guess this year is really a ME-year.. to find back the ME I used to be.. with all the crazy crazy dreams and really crazily crazy to believe I can make DREAMS COME TRUE!
Crazy	yea.. I want to be crazy.. the crazy me who always laughed at anything & everything & crazily daring & crazily ignorant & crazily naive enough to believe in everything!
Drop-It !	I shall DROP-IT! Drop stupid things that bug me even after like years!!!
Thou Shalt not  be a SLOTH !	Not the slow moving part... but the sleepy & lum-nua part.. hmmm... how do I begin..

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