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Papertalk-Art&Poems
trippin in yesteryears.. 2003 - trippin broken . messed up . demented . my soul screams in anguish of your betrayal.. 2004 - burning the house down . the love of my life . so heartbreakingly beautiful.. 2005 - year
of little words. much happiness. and i dun
have to dream any longer.. 2007- million little things . much love . 7wanderlusts . not running ahead of life.. but abreast 2008- losing Puppy . the days disappear into this crazy whirlwind of a storm
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"shush please..." Why
this sadness in this world.. who
is my friend? Who is my foe? Tell
me again that I'm gullible..
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some
long ago that I yearn for so badly.. Why
is everyone and everything trying to banish me to hell? I'm
on the brink of insanity.. an
eternity of agony.. the pain deep within my heart, - Shirleen
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New
Entries: happiness
shared is doubled, sorrows shared is halved.. But it really depends who you
share them with..
changes.. many changes.. changes that I know are long due.. and needed for
me to grow.. but still, it doesn't mean that they don't led down.. opened my eyes to see.. awoken the dreams & my soul i'd silenced over the years.. something shifted.. the night i turned my palms heavenward & said "take me, take my life.. mould me, use me.. i surrender myself.. Your will, not mine be done.." it looks like my prayers are being answered.. and the road paved out for me.. i really couldn't have planned for it in anyway more perfect.. nor could i imagine how it could ever all work out.. a yr from now, it'll be in my hands.. a yr from now, it'll be my turn to answer Him.. as He has steadfastly answered me.. it's been
a crazy year full of excitement, crazy busies, lots of growing.. so many
changes, so many new beginnings.. was
blessed with the opportunity to help alongside a team of lovely, passionate
people from RADION International & Salvation Army who warmly lent their
support & staff!
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Friday,
26th February 2010
*2 years on..*
& it
still feels like the first.. how did 2 years just pass me by i have no idea..
just like the 13 years i had with you..
still can't quite comprehend how did we get from there to here.. somedays i feel
you here.. so close to me..
somedays my heart almost breaks.. missing you.. always at the most unexpected of
times.. that's when suddenly
the loss becomes so apparent i have to close my eyes and feel for you in my
heart.. life goes on & on.. like a carousel
ride.. even at the highest points, the feeling of loss would surely follow.. and
in my darkest moments.. i bury my face
in your favourite bear.. trying to breathe in your scent.. but it always just
reminds me that you're not here anymore..
i will stand tall in the sun again..
i will get back on my feet..
i will not run.. but i will walk..
until Your Grace sends wind beneath my feet
and then will i run again..
and the times i find myself on the ground..
pls lay here with me..
& place him in my arms.. - Shirleen
Carousel
- Shirleen
as
the carousel spins faster & faster
the days disappear into this crazy whirlwind of a storm
in the blinding lights.. I throw my head back & laugh..
round & round & round it goes
i'm laughing louder than I've ever laughed..
and I can't stop..
I'm laughing till my sides ache..
till tears stream down my face
& still the carousel spins faster & faster
i get off the wooden horse
breathless from the exhilaration
& as the lights fly by
i see you standing still in the flying lights
our eyes catch each time i spun by you
i tugged at the carousel trying to get it to slow
round & round & round it goes
i run against the spinning carousel
desperately trying to get to the point where you are..
round & round & round it goes
catching a glimpse of you in every full circle it makes..
tears stream down my face
and i scream your name over the din of carnival music
happy clownish carnival music
& i scream your name over & over & over again
grabbing my chest to numb the pain
breathless from the pain
i stood gawking in disbelief
i screamed your name with spit flying off my lips
someone please make the carousel stop..
make it stop, make it stop, make it stop
but round & round & round it goes
i climb back up the wooden horse
& throw my head back and laugh
as the carousel spins faster & faster
a kaleidoscope of colours is all i see..
i laugh louder & louder
above the carnival music
happy clownish carnival music
i laugh till tears stream down my face
& round & round & round it goes
---shirleen
Monday,
15th February 2010
*Fantastisch!!*
entered
this year with soo much excitement bubbling in me.. this is the year where my
life will start to unfold.. can't quite
say what it is yet.. but i trust it will be fantastic! First few weeks into 2010
& the good news & Angels have already started
pouring into my life!
i don't
even remember when i mentioned to Joce that I'd given little gifts to Naw &
Millenia & they loved them so much..
this lovely Angel handmade 100 hairclips and distributed them to kids in
Cambodia.. and then she thanked me for giving
her the idea? that just left me speechless & touched.. she's so
beautiful! i really think there are Angels that walk amongst us!
3 birthday
cakes this year! My fav Jane's Durian Cake! Yummy Swenson's from my Thai Class
& home-made tiramisu from Judy!!
Finally got the Loewe Amazona i've been eyeing for years!! the last piece in
Singapore!! Happy Birthday to me!!

31st December 2009
~ 1st January 2010
*Goodbye 2009~Hello!!!!
Exciting 2010!!*
lotsa good
feeling this NY's eve.. was counting all my blessings & feeling all the love
of my families.. & i receive this msg..
from my korkor : "dun worry about my hse-loan anymore.. korkor will take
care of it.. korkor wants everybody to be happy"
i replied "u've taken care of my family when i wasn't able to.. now that
i'm all grown up, its time for me to take care of us.."
he is soo annoyingly sweet.. never fails to bring tears to our eyes when you
just sit & think of all that he's ever done for us..
thanks...
& at that moment its all too clear.. that i may have nothing.. but my people
are everything to be thankful for..
what i wish for myself this new year:
- find that forever evasive balance
- do my quiet time daily
- reawaken my dreams (i still have no idea how to get there but i really can't
sit & watch while life just passes me by)
- meeting kiddo Naw in Myanmar
- recollect myself.. been just flitting & pouring myself out
everywhere
2009
-
i will stand tall in the sun again..
i will get back on my feet..
i will not run.. but i will walk..
until Your Grace sends wind beneath my feet
and then will i run again..
and the times i find myself on the ground..
pls lay here with me..
& place him in my arms..
Wednesday,
25th November, 2009
*growing up?*
geocities
shut down & half my web's not functional.. just re-did Papertalk
& finally got it up & running.. vetting everything
i've written in the past when i was much younger.. censoring & removing bits
& pieces friends who ask why I don't post much
anymore.. i do.. just that sometimes i feel that i've lost the liberty to post everything that's in my heart.. guess that's part
of the
obligations of growing up.. sometimes i wonder if we're really growing up.. or deteriorating.. i ask.. if when we were young
we
were courageous.. shouldn't we have grown even more courageous? if when we were young we'd fight & throw a fit for
things
we loved in life then why do we shrink away when it comes to standing up for truths & the things we believe in?
because it is
socially incorrect? because we're "grown ups" and we should behave responsibly? whoever said we're
growing up to be wiser.. to be
matured.. in truth is saying, we're only growing to fit into the socially acceptable cookie cutter..
where you & i can't live in
differences..
Tuesday,
29th Septmeber, 2009
*another day*
i woke up
thinking of you today.. running through the few things about you.. like how you
feel.. how i felt
breathing you in.. holding you.. no sadness.. got out of bed.. & just got to
looking a little longer at your
photos.. turned my comp on at work.. a picture of you appears on my monitor..
& i think i got caught..
running the mouse pointer over you.. as if touching you..
**snippets**
26th August - humbled~ can't believe You came.. thanks.. for watching
over my little ones.. the angels in my life.. who always lead me back to You.
18th
August - me: "i feel like Mcdonald's hotcakes!
Monday,
27th July, 2009
*& all my
favouritests in July!!*
*Happy Birthday Princess Serine!* 23rd July

Happy Happy Birthday my Hello Kitty!! may everyday of ur life be filled with lotsa sweetness!! Hugs & Kisses ur closet Kitty!
*Happy Birthday my Pupsiyo!!* 18th July

"when it comes to u.. the rest of the world fades away.. and i can only see
you.. if only they knew.. of the love we share..
that if God'd permit I'd give you years off my life so I'd never have to wake up
without you..
if I had to choose 1 thing to keep with me for life.. honestly I think it'd be
YOU.."
Happy Birthday my little Pixie eyes.. hope you had a splendid birthday in
Heaven.. wished i was there to celebrate
it with you.. *muacks*
*Happy Birthday Kiddo Naw!!* 21st July

Happy
Happy Birthday Kiddo Naw!! one year has come & gone again! & it's just
amazing watching you
grow through the years..
www.worldvision.org.sg
Join Child Sponsorship today!
Sunday,
5th July, 2009
*our mornings*
been
thinking of you alot lately.. not that i haven't been thinking of you everyday..
i don't think
i've ever gone a day without thinking of you.. just that sometimes
memories of you brings a
smile to my face.. sometimes it brings such longings.. do you remember our
mornings?
how i'd wake up & see u in my arms & i'd say "morning Puppy!! i
love you!!" & kiss you
so tenderly? & the bliss i'd feel.. contented & blessed.. as if nothing
in this world could
rain on us? & i'd breathe you in & the smile on my face.. feeling so
blessed to wake up
to another day with you? i've woken up a few mornings.. feeling that familiar
bliss &
contentment.. & a knowing that you're here in my bed... & those mornings
in wide
wakefulness i'd be in bliss.. feeling you here..
Thursday,
23rd April, 2009
*tired*
i'm tired
of having to keep treading to keep my head above the water.. i'm tired that it
takes so much
work & yet i'm often left with naught .. i'm tired of having to
explain myself.. i'm tired of not being heard..
i'm tired of having to sell myself like a raffles ticket salesman.. i'm
tired of being so unappreciated..
i'm tired of convincing myself to press on.. i'm tired of lying to myself.. i'm
tired of being tired.. i am done talking..
at times like these..i just want to scramble up to to land.. away from the
dark swirling waters..
up onto higher grounds.. where the water can't reach me.. where i dun hafta
keep treading to
keep my head above the water..
Tuesday,
31st March, 2009
*back in His arms*
time &
again He's been calling me back to His arms.. what started with praying for the
safety of my little ones..
which i found such a chore to do it every night.. gradually became my favourite
thing to do each night..
& i actually started looking forward to our time.. just Shanny&God..
& this time i think i'm here to stay for a really long time..
it's really
amazing.. how my little ones who i believe are Angels He has placed in my life
are always the one
who brings me back to Him & my spirituality.. & always, always.. the
ones who help me find & hang on to the very
essence of who i really am..
Sunday,
29th March, 2009
*workshops &
workshops*
it's funny
how it all started with Rhea.. & our vet recommending Reiki.. &
then the doors started opening one by one..
all the classes i'd always wanted to learn when i was younger.. a splendid
weekend of Reiki 1 with Elaine Grundy
led to
another weekend of Animal Communication class with splendid Rosina Arquati.. you
have to try it to believe it.. trust me..
I was skeptical at first too..& now i'm looking forward to Reiki 2 &
Animal Communication 2!! since this year I'm trying to
cut down my trips & spend more time at home with my dogs.. i shall spend the
excess $$ on classes..
Thursday,
26th February, 2009
*1yr on without you~Puppy*
i'd always
thought i could never go on living a life without you.. and having finally
lost you.. i sometimes think that the thought
of losing what i have now.. the fear.. the crazy paranoia.. the
over-protectiveness.. the fear of losing what you actually have now is
worse..
much worse than to actually have lost.. its not just before your pet falls ill..
its from the time he reaches 5? 6? that you start thinking
are you the lucky ones who make it past 10 yrs? or could it be 6? 7? 8? 9? 10?
11? 12? 13? 14? 15? until you finally lose him..
i don't think that people who don't have
aged pets or love their pets more than their own lives would really understand..
the fear.. that grips your heart with its cold metal
fist.. & the spikes pierces through your heart..
you can't breathe.. & the cold cold fist crushes your heart.. you can't
breathe.. you really can't.. & it feels like you'd go crazy..
sumtimes you do.. but your love for him forces you to step through the fire to
bring him to safety.. & you can do it only..
only because of your love for him..
sumtimes
i'm surprised at how far i've come since losing you.. i still love you as much..
but maybe i've come to accept that
i still have to finish my time here before i could come for you.. so i'm
pushing on.. sumtimes i think its because i still
feel you here.. it's like you haven't left.. or it could be that your love still
fills my heart.. or maybe i've just learnt how
to put the dam up & stop the torrent of emotions & tears.. & i mull
on without stopping to think of you.. i think of you
everyday... what i mean is to really think of you.. & to really
feel you.. so i am all right...
i am all right.. even feeling a little smug about it..
& then
i close my eyes & imagine you here... & i cry so hard i can't breathe..
i can't mutter anything more than "i love you.. i love
you.. i love you... wait for me.. wait for me.... wait for me.."
things i learnt from losing you -
#1 -
a good cry only lasts you 16 days #5 - it never hurts less.. it comes in waves.. #6 - i learnt to cry behind my shades while keeping a straight face, driving #7 - i forgot how to exist in a world where you don't.. #8 - happy silly songs make me cry too - those i danced to with you #9 - i actually really do not like waking up early.. i used to wake up & open my eyes & see you in my arms & would always feel instant bliss.. #10 - you let me stand tall in the sun, my arrogance, my rose-tinted glasses #11 - car rides & plane rides make me cry #12 - i can never buy the time that God will not give #13 - lulled into a false sense of security i forgot i was afraid of the dark.. for over 12 years you were always there by my side #14 - you were the only reason why i'd always rush home - to be by your side #15 - i didn't miss a day in this 366 days of missing you! #16 - u made me realise how silly some problems in life are.. if they should even be called problems at all!! #17 - dead dog's club - only those in it will know it |
to where you are - Josh Groban
Who can say for certain
That you are my forever love
Lie gently sleeping
I know you're there
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Friday,
26th December 2008
*i*S
Engaged in Ta Prohm*
i think
initially they'd plan to "setup" the proposal in Angkor Wat itself..
but Ta Promh has lovely tall big trees
growing into the temples & lesser people.. & its where they shot Tomb
Raider!
Setup :
#1 - Xian told me the box containing the flowers was actually Canon Lenses
(really smart.. i use Nikon & can't share canon lens so i didn't bother
opening the box!)
#2 - Taking group photos over & over again at that particular spot!! (i
normally setup the camera.. but Ivan was sooo nice to offer to help me)
#3 - we took like 5 group photos & the tour guide's already very far away..
& i was getting off to dismount the camera from the tripod.. (but they kept
asking me to go back)
haha this was where the setup was found out! like how many times do we need to
take group photo at the same spot!!
no romantic
teary love declaration & cheesy self-written poems.. BUT thanks anyway
dearie for everything you've given me in this 5 years!
i love you! *muacks*
many thanks
to Xian & XP for helping Ivan buy & sneak the flowers all the way to
Cambodia & for hiding it so well
that I was more shocked to see the flowers than the actual proposal setup.. 5
roses for the 5 years we've been
together.. & for helping us take lots of memorable photos & video! &
of course the Ring-Bearer Isaac who had to
carry the ring in his pocket everywhere for 2 gruelling days!! thanks
everyone for making this day so special!
i heart
electronics.. wanna get a fail-proof present for me? just make sure it comes
with an on/off switch! Tuesday,
10th February 2009
*spoil me silly
with electronics*
i'd only planned to buy a new dive cam set-up this yr.. but funnily, everything
i thought of getting a new one,
but decided against spending unnecessarily.. the older one i already have will
just go bonkers & have to be replaced!
& i got them all sponsored by the 2 men in my life *evil laughter* but
seriously.. i was just complaining of my office
monitor then it spoilt that day..& i said hmm maybe i should change my home
one too.. but decided not to waste the money!
then kaboom!! spoilt.. and my home desktop and my handphone..even my stupid
mouse!! until it got eerie.... and i thought
i'd better stop thinking of wanting new stuff before their generosity runs out
& since my "wishes" seem to be promptly granted..
by "spoiling" the old one.. so i'd have to buy a new one, i'd better
stop "wishing"!

last
electronic gadget on the list : fujifilm's latest F200EXR & of course not
the entire strobe setup.. just that wide angle lens :P

into the
first minute of 2009, right after watching people scream with joy counting down
the lastThursday,
1st January 2009
*2009*
seconds of 2008, i felt the warmth of tears reach down my face.. torn between
relief and heartbreak
for the year 2008 that's gone by..
2009?
i will stand tall in the sun again..
i will get back on my feet..
i will not run.. but i will walk..
until Your Grace sends wind beneath my feet
and then will i run again..
and the times i find myself on the ground..
pls lay here with me..
& place him in my arms..
2001
NY eve.. i remember i was by my poolside, with Puppy running up &
down, doing his cute little sprints.. 2006
NY eve - i was filled with sooo much excitement for the coming year..
for the first time i wasn't running 2007
NY eve - reluctantly left 2007 behind.. 2008 felt like it would be a
really quiet year.. in the sense that it'sWednesday,
31st December 2008
*Goodbye 2008*
coming outta the fog.. it was such a beautiful night with him... my 18th NY
eve.. & i woke up then.. together
with him by my side..
miles ahead of life but actually abreast with life.. no longer living in the
future but in the present.. and with
all the wanderlusting & my beautiful family, dogs & Ivan.. that was true
bliss..
not going to be crazy highs.. more of a me-growth year.. & indeed it turned
out to be the harshest year i have
ever faced.. that will always ring with loss.. i lost the love of my life.. a
love i loved more than my own life.. Puppy..
grow? i guess i did.. but did i grow up or did i grow weary of life? now i'm
running against life.. into the past..
chasing after shadows of us with both my feet chained to tomorrow..
2008 NY eve - i have to believe that 2009
will be a good year.. that God will be kind to me & my loved ones..
i will get back on my feet.. i will not run.. but i will walk.. until Your Grace
sends wind beneath my feet and then
will i run again.. and the times i find myself on the ground.. pls lay here with
me.. & place him in my arms..
Monday,
21st July 2008 *let
the carousel spin*

Carousel
- Shirleen
as
the carousel spins faster & faster
the days disappear into this crazy whirlwind of a storm
in the blinding lights.. I throw my head back & laugh..
round & round & round it goes
i'm laughing louder than I've ever laughed..
and I can't stop..
I'm laughing till my sides ache..
till tears stream down my face
& still the carousel spins faster & faster
i get off the wooden horse
breathless from the exhilaration
& as the lights fly by
i see you standing still in the flying lights
our eyes catch each time i spun by you
i tugged at the carousel trying to get it to slow
round & round & round it goes
i run against the spinning carousel
desperately trying to get to the point where you are..
round & round & round it goes
catching a glimpse of you in every full circle it makes..
tears stream down my face
and i scream your name over the din of carnival music
happy clownish carnival music
& i scream your name over & over & over again
grabbing my chest to numb the pain
breathless from the pain
i stood gawking in disbelief
i screamed your name with spit flying off my lips
someone please make the carousel stop..
make it stop, make it stop, make it stop
but round & round & round it goes
i climb back up the wooden horse
& throw my head back and laugh
as the carousel spins faster & faster
a kaleidoscope of colours is all i see..
i laugh louder & louder
above the carnival music
happy clownish carnival music
i laugh till tears stream down my face
& round & round & round it goes
---shirleen
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