Friday, 26th February 2010   *2 years on..*

& it still feels like the first.. how did 2 years just pass me by i have no idea.. just like the 13 years i had with you.. 
still can't quite comprehend how did we get from there to here.. somedays i feel you here.. so close to me..
somedays my heart almost breaks.. missing you.. always at the most unexpected of times.. that's when suddenly
the loss becomes so apparent i have to close my eyes and feel for you in my heart.. life goes on & on.. like a carousel
ride.. even at the highest points, the feeling of loss would surely follow.. and in my darkest moments.. i bury my face 
in your favourite bear.. trying to breathe in your scent.. but it always just reminds me that you're not here anymore..

i will stand tall in the sun again..
i will get back on my feet.. 
i will not run.. but i will walk.. 
until Your Grace sends wind beneath my feet 
and then will i run again.. 
and the times i find myself on the ground.. 
pls lay here with me.. 
& place him in my arms.. - Shirleen

Carousel - Shirleen

as the carousel spins faster & faster 
the days disappear into this crazy whirlwind of a storm
in the blinding lights.. I throw my head back & laugh..
round & round & round it goes
i'm laughing louder than I've ever laughed..
and I can't stop.. 
I'm laughing till my sides ache.. 
till tears stream down my face
& still the carousel spins faster & faster

i get off the wooden horse 
breathless from the exhilaration
& as the lights fly by 
i see you standing still in the flying lights
our eyes catch each time i spun by you
i tugged at the carousel trying to get it to slow
round & round & round it goes
i run against the spinning carousel
desperately trying to get to the point where you are..
round & round & round it goes 
catching a glimpse of you in every full circle it makes.. 

tears stream down my face
and i scream your name over the din of carnival music
happy clownish carnival music
& i scream your name over & over & over again
grabbing my chest to numb the pain
breathless from the pain
i stood gawking in disbelief  
i screamed your name with spit flying off my lips
someone please make the carousel stop..
make it stop, make it stop, make it stop
but round & round & round it goes

i climb back up the wooden horse
& throw my head back and laugh
as the carousel spins faster & faster
a kaleidoscope of colours is all i see..
i laugh louder & louder
above the carnival music
happy clownish carnival music
i laugh till tears stream down my face
& round & round & round it goes

                                            ---shirleen

Monday, 15th February 2010   *Fantastisch!!*

entered this year with soo much excitement bubbling in me.. this is the year where my life will start to unfold.. can't quite
say what it is yet.. but i trust it will be fantastic! First few weeks into 2010 & the good news & Angels have already started
pouring into my life! 

i don't even remember when i mentioned to Joce that I'd given little gifts to Naw & Millenia & they loved them so much..
this lovely Angel handmade 100 hairclips and distributed them to kids in Cambodia.. and then she thanked me for giving
her the idea? that just left me speechless & touched.. she's so beautiful!  i really think there are Angels that walk amongst us! 
 

3 birthday cakes this year! My fav Jane's Durian Cake! Yummy Swenson's from my Thai Class & home-made tiramisu from Judy!! 

Finally got the Loewe Amazona i've been eyeing for years!! the last piece in Singapore!! Happy Birthday to me!!

31st December 2009 ~ 1st January 2010   *Goodbye 2009~Hello!!!! Exciting 2010!!*

lotsa good feeling this NY's eve.. was counting all my blessings & feeling all the love of my families.. & i receive this msg..
from my korkor : "dun worry about my hse-loan anymore.. korkor will take care of it.. korkor wants everybody to be happy"
i replied "u've taken care of my family when i wasn't able to.. now that i'm all grown up, its time for me to take care of us.."
he is soo annoyingly sweet.. never fails to bring tears to our eyes when you just sit & think of all that he's ever done for us..
thanks... 

& at that moment its all too clear.. that i may have nothing.. but my people are everything to be thankful for.. 

what i wish for myself this new year: 
- find that forever evasive balance
- do my quiet time daily 
- reawaken my dreams (i still have no idea how to get there but i really can't sit & watch while life just passes me by)
- meeting kiddo Naw in Myanmar
- recollect myself.. been just flitting & pouring myself out everywhere  

2009 -
i will stand tall in the sun again..
i will get back on my feet.. 
i will not run.. but i will walk.. 
until Your Grace sends wind beneath my feet 
and then will i run again.. 
and the times i find myself on the ground.. 
pls lay here with me.. 
& place him in my arms.. 

Wednesday, 25th November, 2009   *growing up?*

geocities shut down & half my web's not functional.. just re-did Papertalk & finally got it up & running.. vetting everything
i've written in the past when i was much younger.. censoring & removing bits & pieces friends who ask why I don't post much 
anymore.. i do.. just that sometimes i feel that i've lost the liberty to post everything that's in my heart.. guess that's part of the 
obligations of growing up.. sometimes i wonder if we're really growing up.. or deteriorating.. i ask.. if when we were young 
we were courageous.. shouldn't we have grown even more courageous? if when we were young we'd fight & throw a fit for 
things we loved in life then why do we shrink away when it comes to standing up for truths & the things we believe in? 
because it is socially incorrect? because we're "grown ups" and we should behave responsibly? whoever said we're 
growing up to be wiser.. to be matured.. in truth is saying, we're only growing to fit into the socially acceptable cookie cutter.. 
where you & i can't live in differences..  

Tuesday, 29th Septmeber, 2009   *another day*

i woke up thinking of you today.. running through the few things about you.. like how you feel.. how i felt
breathing you in.. holding you.. no sadness.. got out of bed.. & just got to looking a little longer at your
photos.. turned my comp on at work.. a picture of you appears on my monitor.. & i think i got caught..
running the mouse pointer over you.. as if touching you..   

**snippets**

26th August - humbled~ can't believe You came.. thanks.. for watching over my little ones.. the angels in my life.. who always lead me back to You.

18th August - me: "i feel like Mcdonald's hotcakes! 
                            Dad nonchalantly: "wake up earlier & go buy la" next morning~ tada!! Hotcakes on my tables!!  
                            Mum: "only your 24/7 dad will do that.. I wouldn't.." 
                            me: "ya i know.. that's why i didn't tell you!" hahaha i love my daddy!!! *mmuacksss*

Monday, 27th July, 2009   *& all my favouritests in July!!*

*Happy Birthday Princess Serine!* 23rd July

Happy Happy Birthday my Hello Kitty!! may everyday of ur life be filled with lotsa sweetness!! Hugs & Kisses ur closet Kitty!  

*Happy Birthday my Pupsiyo!!* 18th July

"when it comes to u.. the rest of the world fades away.. and i can only see you.. if only they knew.. of the love we share..
that if God'd permit I'd give you years off my life so I'd never have to wake up without you.. 
if I had to choose 1 thing to keep with me for life.. honestly I think it'd be YOU.."

Happy Birthday my little Pixie eyes.. hope you had a splendid birthday in Heaven.. wished i was there to celebrate
it with you..  *muacks* 

 *Happy Birthday Kiddo Naw!!* 21st July

Happy Happy Birthday Kiddo Naw!! one year has come & gone again! & it's just amazing watching you
grow through the years.. 

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Sunday, 5th July, 2009   *our mornings*

been thinking of you alot lately.. not that i haven't been thinking of you everyday.. i don't think
i've ever gone  a day without thinking of you.. just that sometimes memories of you brings a
smile to my face.. sometimes it brings such longings.. do you remember our mornings? 
how i'd wake up & see u in my arms & i'd say "morning Puppy!! i love you!!" & kiss you
so tenderly? & the bliss i'd feel.. contented & blessed.. as if nothing in this world could
rain on us? & i'd breathe you in & the smile on my face.. feeling so blessed to wake up
to another day with you? i've woken up a few mornings.. feeling that familiar bliss &
contentment.. & a knowing that you're here in my bed... & those mornings in wide
wakefulness i'd be in bliss.. feeling you here.. 

Thursday, 23rd April, 2009   *tired*

i'm tired of having to keep treading to keep my head above the water.. i'm tired that it takes so much
work & yet i'm often left with naught .. i'm tired of having to explain  myself.. i'm tired of not being heard..
i'm tired of having to sell myself like a raffles ticket salesman..  i'm tired of being so unappreciated.. 
i'm tired of convincing myself to press on.. i'm tired of lying to myself.. i'm tired of being tired.. i am done talking.. 

at times like these..i just want to scramble up to to land.. away from the dark swirling waters.. 
up onto higher grounds.. where the water can't reach me.. where i dun hafta keep treading to 
keep my head above the water.. 

Tuesday, 31st March, 2009   *back in His arms*

time & again He's been calling me back to His arms.. what started with praying for the safety of my little ones.. 
which i found such a chore to do it every night.. gradually became my favourite thing to do each night.. 
& i actually started looking forward to our time.. just Shanny&God.. & this time i think i'm here to stay for a really long time.. 

it's really amazing.. how my little ones who i believe are Angels He has placed in my life are always the one
who brings me back to Him & my spirituality.. & always, always.. the ones who help me find & hang on to the very 
essence of who i really am.. 

Sunday, 29th March, 2009   *workshops & workshops*

it's funny how  it all started with Rhea.. & our vet recommending Reiki.. & then the doors started opening one by one.. 
all the classes i'd always wanted to learn when i was younger.. a splendid weekend of Reiki 1 with Elaine Grundy led to
another weekend of Animal Communication class with splendid Rosina Arquati.. you have to try it to believe it.. trust me.. 
I was skeptical at first too..& now i'm looking forward to Reiki 2 & Animal Communication 2!! since this year I'm trying to
cut down my trips & spend more time at home with my dogs.. i shall spend the excess $$ on classes.. 

Thursday, 26th February, 2009   *1yr on without you~Puppy*

i'd always thought i could never go on living a life without you.. and having finally  lost you.. i sometimes think that the thought 
of losing what i have now.. the fear.. the crazy paranoia.. the over-protectiveness.. the fear of losing what you actually have now is worse.. 
much worse than to actually have lost.. its not just before your pet falls ill.. its from the time he reaches 5? 6? that you start thinking
are you the lucky ones who make it past 10 yrs? or could it be 6? 7? 8? 9? 10? 11? 12? 13? 14? 15? until you finally lose him.. 

i don't think that people who don't have aged pets or love their pets more than their own lives would really understand.. 
the fear.. that grips your heart with its cold metal fist.. & the spikes pierces through your heart..
you can't breathe.. & the cold cold fist crushes your heart.. you can't breathe.. you really can't.. & it feels like you'd go crazy..
sumtimes you do.. but your love for him forces you to step through the fire to bring him to safety.. & you can do it only.. 
only  because of your love for him.. 

sumtimes i'm surprised at how far i've come since losing you.. i still love you as much.. but maybe i've come to accept that 
i still have to finish my time here before i could come for you.. so i'm pushing on.. sumtimes i think its because i still
feel you here.. it's like you haven't left.. or it could be that your love still fills my heart.. or maybe i've just learnt how
to put the dam up & stop the torrent of emotions & tears.. & i mull on without stopping to think of you.. i think of you
everyday... what i mean is to really  think of you.. & to really  feel you.. so i am all right... 

i am all right.. even feeling a little smug about it..

& then i close my eyes & imagine you here... & i cry so hard i can't breathe.. 
i can't mutter anything more than "i love you.. i love you.. i love you... wait for me.. wait for me.... wait for me.."

things i learnt from losing you - #1 - a good cry only lasts you 16 days #2 - i actually enjoy having a social life  #3 - every love song seems to be singing about us #4 - i sleep with my head permanently @ 45o angle where u'd always slept #5 - it never hurts less.. it comes in waves.. #6 - i learnt to cry behind my shades while keeping a straight face, driving #7 - i forgot how to exist in a world where you don't..   #8 - happy silly songs make me cry too - those i danced to with you #9 - i actually really do not like waking up early.. i used to wake up & open my eyes & see you in my arms & would always feel instant bliss..  #10 -  you let me stand tall in the sun, my arrogance, my rose-tinted glasses #11 - car rides & plane rides make me cry  #12 - i can never buy the time that God will not give #13 - lulled into a false sense of security i forgot i was afraid of the dark.. for over 12 years you were always there by my side #14 - you were the only reason why i'd always rush home - to be by your side  #15 - i didn't miss a day in this 366 days of missing you!  #16 - u made me realise how silly some problems in life are.. if they should even be called problems at all!!  #17 - dead dog's club - only those in it will know it

to where you are - Josh Groban Who can say for certain Maybe you're still here I feel you all around me Your memory's so clear Deep in the stillness I can hear you speak You're still an inspiration Can it be That you are my forever love And you are watching over me From up above Fly me up to where you are Beyond the distant star I wish upon tonight To see you smile If only for a while to know you're there A breath away's not far to where you are Lie gently sleeping Here inside my dream And isn't faith believing All power can't be seen As my heart holds you Just one beat away I cherish all you gave me Everyday I know you're there A breath away's not far to where you are

Friday, 26th December 2008   *i*S Engaged in Ta Prohm*

i think initially they'd plan to "setup" the proposal in Angkor Wat itself.. but Ta Promh has lovely tall big trees
growing into the temples & lesser people.. & its where they shot Tomb Raider! 

Setup : 

#1 - Xian told me the box containing the flowers was actually Canon Lenses (really smart.. i use Nikon & can't share canon lens so i didn't bother opening the box!) 
#2 - Taking group photos over & over again at that particular spot!! (i normally setup the camera.. but Ivan was sooo nice to offer to help me)
#3 - we took like 5 group photos & the tour guide's already very far away.. & i was getting off to dismount the camera from the tripod.. (but they kept asking me to go back)

haha this was where the setup was found out! like how many times do we need to take group photo at the same spot!! 

no romantic teary love declaration & cheesy self-written poems.. BUT thanks anyway dearie for everything you've given me in this 5 years!
i love you! *muacks*

many thanks to Xian & XP for helping Ivan buy & sneak the flowers all the way to Cambodia & for hiding it so well 
that I was more shocked to see the flowers than the actual proposal setup.. 5 roses for the 5 years we've been 
together.. & for helping us take lots of memorable photos & video! & of course the Ring-Bearer Isaac who had to
carry the ring in his pocket everywhere for 2 gruelling days!!  thanks everyone for making this day so special!

Tuesday, 10th February 2009   *spoil me silly with electronics*

i heart electronics.. wanna get a fail-proof present for me? just make sure it comes with an on/off switch! 
i'd only planned to buy a new dive cam set-up this yr.. but funnily, everything i thought of getting a new one,
but decided against spending unnecessarily.. the older one i already have will just go bonkers & have to be replaced! 
& i got them all sponsored by the 2 men in my life *evil laughter* but seriously.. i was just complaining of my office 
monitor then it spoilt that day..& i said hmm maybe i should change my home one too.. but decided not to waste the money! 
then kaboom!! spoilt.. and my home desktop and my handphone..even my stupid mouse!! until it got eerie.... and i thought 
i'd better stop thinking of wanting new stuff before their generosity runs out & since my "wishes"  seem to be promptly granted..
by "spoiling" the old one.. so i'd have to buy a new one, i'd better stop "wishing"!