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Tuesday, 1st
January 2008 *2008*
2008
already feels like a quiet year.. somehow without 2007's BOOM BOOM BOOM start!
no one with enough leaves
to fly away every mth with me.. but again that's good so i won't be torn between
my dogs & traveling..
Have already bought / done most things i wanna buy/do.. in 2007..
What do I want for 2008?? ok..
actually there isn't like really alotta things I want.. Guess I've already got
all there is to need or want!
Beautiful Family, Dogs & Friends!! Material-wise.. I've got more than enough
already.. and more than enough
for impulse-buys..
What I really really want.. my dogs & family.. something not quite
possible..
"If God'd permit, I'd give you years off my life.. so that I'd never have
to wake up without you.."
well.. just let me down easy... Oh
well... maybe this year's a good year for 'ME'-growth..
"I just know that IF i don't move my ass soon, I'll always be the person
behind the screen electronically giving away $$$..
I've always wanted to do something more.. something BIG.. ya.. I guess this year
is really a ME-year.. to find back the ME
I used to be.. with all the crazy crazy dreams and really crazily crazy enough
to believe I CAN MAKE DREAMS COME TRUE!
| 2008
- Wishes & Hopes
in random order |
| Family |
Carry-on
what we're doing cos we're so darn good at being F-A-M-I-L-Y ! |
| Dogs |
Cut
down on trips.. oh so contradicting!! but guess the loves of my life come
first! |
| Diving |
Bring
my Stinky Little Sister into my world of Diving!! jus 1 or 2 good
short trips so I can be home with my doggs! |
| Work |
Get
ahead by 6 mths.. i'm always 6 mths ahead for the 1st half of the
year then engine dies.. then i'm 1 mth behind time! |
| Work-time |
Move
it towards 9-3pm workdays! I hate going home when the sun's going
down! |
| Friends |
Be
less 'nua'.. meet my friends more! |
Dive
Perhentian |
Really
wanna dive Perhentian.. hopefully with Chibuddies so we can take a
train & Werewolves all the way! |
| DiveTioman |
Miss
the Teh Tarik & Prata every morning! |
Family
Bintan |
Annual
Family chill-out (cos parents are so darn lazy to travel any further!)
really nothing to do but bonding & juice shakes @ pool bar ! |
| $$$ |
No
more expensive facials! Just normal ones.. the rest -->
CAMERAS! |
| Underwater
Housing |
Either
bring my dSLR underwater - $2.2K or a whole new P&S setup
- $1.2K |
| Wet
Lens |
Wet
Macro - $800 & Wet WideAngle Lens - $1.2K + Adaptors
- $500 |
| SOULFOOD |
I
really do want to make it for a trip up to Eugene's outreach at Petchaboon
Refugee Camp sometime soon! I just know that IF i don't move my ass
soon, I'll always be the person behind the screen electronically giving
away $$$.. I've always wanted to do something more.. something BIG.. ya..
I guess this year is really a ME-year.. to find back the ME I used to be..
with all the crazy crazy dreams and really crazily crazy to believe I can
make DREAMS COME TRUE! |
| Crazy |
yea..
I want to be crazy.. the crazy me who always laughed at anything &
everything & crazily daring & crazily ignorant & crazily naive
enough to believe in everything! |
| Drop-It
! |
I
shall DROP-IT! Drop stupid things that bug me even after like
years!!! |
Thou
Shalt not
be a SLOTH ! |
Not
the slow moving part... but the sleepy & lum-nua part.. hmmm... how do
I begin.. |
Friday, 11th
January 2008 *water*
feel
a little more like 2008 now.. after catching up on my sleep for the trip to
Batam with Chibuddies..
& closing 2007.. I function like an accounting program. gotta close 1 yr
before u can open the next! #1
to get done.. Joce wedding.WenYi wedding.Ivan's Bday.X'mas.NY Batam Trip
updates!!!
Started my yearly "where? what? calendar" & suddenly I have
plans!! Didn't have much "physical" things I
wanted to get done this year initially.. Really really did feel more like a
Quiet & 'Me' thingy.. I guess to
some extent it will still be.. I mean how long more can a chicken run around
without its head?
i do wanna get my Sailing License.. & Powered Craft License afterwards so
can upgrade to 24ft Yacht !
Wednesday,
16th January 2008 *???*
pissed
off.. its like watching your baby fade away right before your very eyes.. Like playing a game of Chess
where the
other party has taken both the Kings & Queens and no matter how hard you try to figure a way out,
before you can make the first move its "CHECKMATE".. you don't even have a King to run down the
steps to a
Stalemate. Like whatever you do outside the surgery
theatre, you ain't no doctor..
LIKE.. you're drowning in poop & sumone gives u a roll of toilet paper to
clean it up.. Hello?? I ain't pooping..
Its DROWNING in poop.. HOHOHO why do I find it so amusing??
on
a better note, my Victoria's Secret X'mas Stash should arrive today!! Especially
love the passport cover!! 
Monday, 21st
January 2008 *
 Letters
from Myanmmar, Tears from our Hearts*
Ok..
you can skip this 1st part cos its just ramblings.. but do read the part in
red,
part of the letter from our kiddo.. **WARNING**
it'll break your heart!
Work has been unrelenting since November.. Totally tired out today.. and
was
thinking as I was walking from the car-park to my house.. today would be
a really nice day to receive a reply from our little kiddo in Myanmar.
*TA-DA!!*
saw the bright orange logo! muahahaha God must really love Shanny!
"Dear
Loving Sister Shirleen, Sylvia & Brother Ivan :
I show your pictures & letters to one of my friends. Do you know
what she tells me? She said 'you often get cards, photos & letters. As
for us we get nothing. You are very lucky. Your sisters & brothers
from abroad must have loved you very much' When I heard what she said, I feel so sorry that
I want to cry. My eyes filled with tears. After that she asks me if I love
you all. I reply whole heartedly that "of course I love them very
much"
My
home life is not very happy. My parents have gone to work in a factory in
Thailand for 6 months already. We are left with our grandparents. We are
all well.
Are you all well?"
ME: and this part
I just burst out laughing she is like a grown-up in a little 9 yr old!!
"I thank you very much for saying that my handwriting in Burmese is
good. Don't
praise me. Burmese is not difficult. You think it is difficult as you have
not studied it"
As sister Sylvia is having her exams, she must be exhausted & tired. I
pray that she will pass her exams & soon become a university student.
|
Goodness..
this little one is a real heart-stealer!! Can you believe a little kid can have
such a
magnanimous heart?? The things she understands & feels, I'm not quite sure I
can even imagine
a kid in SG would ever comprehend.. As I sit here in all of our luxuries, with
the sounds of cars
zipping by, the hum of the computer and the plastic bags of clothes, shoes,
bags, we are
throwing out for CNY, I can't help but feel the guilt.. like how did it come to
this?
that their world of poverty
actually exists simultaneously with our world of luxuries?
Saturday, 9th
February 2008 *
where trains do not turn around *
Going
on a trip you'd planned for all your life.. you've watched a thousand videos of
this place..
you've read every single book there is to read about this land of dreams.. a
trip you'd been wishing
on every birthday candle.. to a place you thought would be everything you'd ever
dreamed of..
you get your tickets and board this train.. with all the zest a 5 yr old kid
would have.. and you get
butterflies in your tummy.. out the window turns out to be everything you've
seen on TVs and postcards..
as the train goes uphill and downhill, through valleys and mountains.. somehow
you start getting this
nagging feeling that you ain't quite sure where you're heading is where you
really want to be..
you shake off this fear and you close your eyes.. willing yourself, forcing
yourself, convincing yourself
to believe you still do want to get there.. that you would be so happy to be
there.. sometimes the
fear dissipates and you're able to enjoy the view and you really believe this is
going to be the right
decision.. but then every now and then it rears its ugly head and if you could
without killing yourself,
jump right off the moving train.. you tear through the stacks of hotel
reservations and boarding tickets,
desperately trying to find that clause that would render you free of this crazy
escapade.. but there really
isn't one.. after all the trouble you and others have gone through to make this
trip possible.. the hotel
people would be mad you'd think.. what about the hundreds of passengers on this
train.. a detour is
impossible.. and there really isn't a station in between where you could get
off.. a one-way track up to
never-never land.. where trains couldn't turn around, where there isn't a ticket
to take you back home..
and you're trapped in all these fears.. a hundred chances where you'd land would
be ok.. not too fantastic..
but ok.. you could live with it.. but what is the odds of a hundred chances?
would you even make the
statistics 100 out of 10,000? everything in you tells you to jump ship.. but
you're unable to move..
you're in this train.. moving forward while it chugs along.. you're hurtling
forward at 300 miles per hour..
and you can't stop.. and you don't want to stop.. yet you don't want to go
forward.. but everything is
pulling you in that direction.. you're running as fast as you can in the
carriage against a train running 300 miles
per hour.. trying to outrun it.. to go backwards.. to return back to where you'd
come from...
a train ride.. along a one way track.. where trains do not turn around..
Wednesday, 20th
February 2008 *
can't they see? u are my life *
if
i could choose one thing to keep with me for life.. honestly i think it'd be YOU
when it comes to u.. the rest of the world fades away.. and i can only
see you.. if only they knew.. of the love we share..
can't they see? that you are my life? how do i live, when you are my life?
when you would be the one thing i'd choose
to keep with me for life? over 12 yrs you'd slept in my arms... how am i
supposed to fill that void when ur gone?
"when you're in the
dark, you'd cherish even the fleeting moment of a match-stick's glow"
yesterday, your bright eyes
finally shone, it was you again behind those eyes.. you came to me and asked to
be carried.. prodding my hands repeatedly for that pat on your head.. how you
kept looking me in the eyes..
you're finally seeing me again.. and for the rest of the day I finally smiled
and laughed.. how you'd jump outta
the towels and run at me and sticking your body sooo close to mine!! i could
breathe and live again.. you wore
that pixie-look with those perfect round eyes of yours.. and that forlorn look
filled with so much love..
i could never give you enough of my love & time.. even when I'm beside you,
you'd still always wanted more..
forgive me for I love you.. but my love was never anywhere near the love you'd
always given to me..
the
past few days watching u sleep.. each time you woke, you'd open ur eyes so big
and wide.. and look around..
and when you finally see me, your eyes go really wide and surprised to see
me..
and when you came home to sleep, you even went straight to mark the walls.. our
morning in the garden..
how you'd always like to sit in the morning sun and bask and how ur eyes get
really small but beaming
in the light.. this morning you even wagged your tail and looked at me... guess
u were more excited
seeing ur bear-wife..
watching
u grow thru the years.. i really still can't fathom your love.. so
unconditional.. so forgiving.. so giving.. so steadfast..
never fails to amaze me and leave me in tears.. how you sneaked your way into my
heart and took the biggest warmest tenderest part..
Everyday i imagine life without you.. and i can't.. u've seen me thru my hardest
times.. and brought me the most heartfelt laughter
and smiles in my life.. I would if God permits.. part with good tens of years
of my life to give you those tens of years..
forgive me for being greedy.. but with you its just insatiable.. I love your
pixie smiles.. your cheekiness.. your manjaness.. your sensitivity..
still the fastest and only one who noes even before the tears have fallen.. you
would have felt my heart before even I knew i was crying..
the one thing that keeps my wandering soul longing to stop the wandering.. and
just fly home to your side..
if
i could choose one thing to keep with me for life.. honestly.. i think it'd be
YOU...
Wednesday, 20th
February 2008 *
my heart bleeds *
I
can't begin to tell you.. just how much you mean to me.. how each morning i wake
up to you.. and know that this life's worth living..
every moment that i'm without you.. i miss you with every heartbeat.. and i can
sleep soundly each night just feeling you beside me..
watching you sleep.. i thank the stars above that you were placed in my life..
how could i ever ask for more.. than to wake up beside you..
i never want to wake up to a morning knowing you won't be here anymore.. but the
love we shared.. and the memories in my heart will keep me going..
until that day.. I'll give you all the loving.. and pray God will let me love
you and hold you.. for many many more years to come..
you make everything so beautiful.. and it's all because of you... *~PuPpY~*
if
God'd permit, I'd give you years off my life so that I'd never have to wake up
without you...
Wednesday, 26th
March 2008 *
YOU - the 1st thing i always thanked God for & now u're gone *
"lulled into a false sense of security, 12yrs & i'd forgotten i was
afraid of the dark, for you were always right there by my side"
1 month on.. its a wonder i'm still here.. not quite alive.. if only you
were here, it'd all still be manageable..
but with you now gone.. it all gets too much.. always found a peace, comfort
& solace in you.. it was like you'd
read my soul.. we never needed to speak.. holding you close to my heart each
night, counting your heartbeats,
feeling your chest rise & fall with each breath, looking into those eyes
that burnt right through me.. you'd
seen & owned & loved my soul.. too many things have happened since you
were gone.. stared right into the
eyes of death with you.. & another glance into death's cold dark eyes.. this
time i glanced away in time..
was it you who kept Daddy safe?
"i can't seem to die.. & suicide doesn't quite get one to Heaven
does it? & so still, i breathe"
15th March.. i'd just started to understand you were never coming back & had
started to really cry.. & on Sunday
another part of my world came crashing down.. God never gives you more than you
can handle.. if you were here,
like i said, it'd still be manageable because you helped me breathe when it all
gets too much to take.. right now..
i'm barely breathing..
thrown into unchartered waters, i'm drowning, struggling to keep my head above
waters.. if i was really in waters..
i would have given up trying to swim.. in this unfamiliar world, i don't know
how i'm supposed to be reacting right now..
i don't know what i'm supposed to be feeling.. & so still, i sit frozen as
everything whizzes pass me at lightning speed..
this time i'm really on a runaway train & i can't get off..
Friday, 28th
March 2008
*
Shitty-Poo! *
"we were so
blessed.. right up till the very end we were sooo blessed.. makes me almost
wanna laugh about it"
Shitty
Poo!!!!!!! Silly little dog you're such a little Shitty-Poopiyoyo!! & I love
u, u silly little dog!!!
am i crazy? who thinks back about parting & actually smile about it?
apparently i'm the screw loose one!
but Poopy, we really were so blessed.. right up till the very end we were sooo
darn blessed!
most people don't get to say goodbye.. we did.. a million times.. never once did
I leave the house without
an elaborate goodbye, 2 steps out the house & i'd rush back in to pick you
up and give you even more last
kisses before i went out.. sumtimes even returning thrice or more!!
the 1 week u fell sick.. things were supposed to get so ugly which would require
me putting you down..
but i prayed so hard or perhaps you listened when I told you to let go.. silly
little dog.. you actually listened..
you were always the bestest boy in the world.. even right up till the very end..
you listened.. its the 1st time
God answered my prayers soo fast.. i was a little shocked when I watched you
leave.. you looked like you
went to sleep.. just 3 tiny whimpers & you stared into my eyes & slept..
& all my bravado faded away..
I thought I was being so brave, telling you its ok to let go.. & then there
was nothing I wanted more than for
you to stay.. but you didn't suffer.. & it was fast 1 week.. & you were
still well & running around the house
after me.. that is supposed to comfort me right? then why does it hurt so
bad?
Guess God was so kind.. giving us your sudden illness as time for us to say our
real goodbyes...
1 week without work.. just 24/7 of goodbyes.. & since sept last yr, i'd
switched working hours to 10-4..
we had so much time together.. & so many cancelled holidays just so I could
always be with you..
can you count how many times we said goodbye?
was just feeling thankful & grateful & blessed.. then tell me.. why does
it hurt so bad now?
Saturday, 5th
April 2008 *
i think i'm done *
"i'd bought as much
time as i could with you.. but i can never buy the times that God will not give"
do
you realise.. that this is the 1st year in my life i haven't screamed about
"i love februaries" ?
its the first winter in feb..
"&
i'm not crying my eyes out, my heart ain't exactly breaking.. i'm just
done.."
once upon a time, not so very long ago.. i'd wanted to live on and on and on
forever..
i loved life with soo much conviction, i bulldozed over those who ever
complained to me
about life.. i mean sure.. life is complicated.. but life is really really so
beautiful.. my life
may not be perfect in the eyes of others.. but to me it was.. beautiful beyond
perfection..
everything i'd ever wanted, or maybe i'd never wanted luxuries.. so i'd always
had enough..
a beautiful family which went beyond the immediate family..an extended family
that bursts
with love & affection.. my beautiful soulmate - You Puppy..
"that just by looking into
your eyes, all the imperfection in me & my world was perfected"
i guess some people will never understand.. baffled? bemused? disgusted?
ridicule?
that a dog could be the one who held the fraying seams of my sanity together?
who
had the gentlest of hands that my heart has ever been placed in? how could a dog
be the
one who had loved, understood & owned my soul? that just by looking into
your eyes,
all the imperfection in me & my world was perfected?
"when
tribulations brought me down onto my knees, you were there on the floor with
me"
12 & a half years, through my teens & into my twenties, through the
coming & going of
relationships & friendships.. u were the 1 constant in my life.. when
tribulations brought me
down onto my knees you were there on the floor with me..the 1 heart that broke
along with mine..
when i dreamed at night, you were there in my arms dreaming along with me..
& when i cried..
you'd always be the first to have felt my heart.. & would you believe if i
told u he'd cried along with me?
& when i laughed.. would u believe it if i told you that dogs can smile
too?
"through the
coming & going of relationships & friendships.. u were the 1 constant in my
life"
the tears aren't actually falling all the time.. my heart ain't exactly
breaking.. i'm just done..
once when i'd wanted immortality.. i thought i'd never be done with life..
there'd always be
things i'd wanted to do.. & lives i wanted to live.. that i can't possibly
finish in this lifetime..
but right now.. i'm done.. that night as i laid & cried.. it was the first i
didn't tell God to give
me more time to keep doing the things i loved.. but to take me home.. i'm just..
done..
"i'd bought as much time as i could with you.. but i can never buy the times that God will not give"
Tuesday,
15th April 2008 *l-o-v-e*
love,
isn't it supposed to be like in the movies? the pillow fights in this bright
white living room,
sharing a mug of coffee on the bay window watching rain fall on the glass? &
after years of
marriage, you still lie on each other's arms & talk & giggle..
no no, things aren't bad.. you noe.. they're ok..
& Claire says what I'm thinking.. & we'll always wonder if there
actually is someone out there
who will make love the way its supposed to be just like in the movies? or is
love really just
like this? is this really all there is to love? where once a single bed was too
big.. now a queen
sized one is too squeezy..
if i don't think about things.. i'm fine i can almost be happy.. but on quiet
nights when i think about it..
makes me almost always cry..
Friday,
18th
April 2008 *superficial*
all
the rubbish stuff I bot a week after Pupsy left.. they're still sitting nicely
wrapped up in their boxes...
have only opened the box from Amazon with all the books about dogs &
parting..
feeling shitty today.. oh my god.. i don't believe how
stupid i can get..
i even surprise myself.. if only it wasn't so funny, i would prolly be crying
hysterically...
"in the fleeting light, our shadows reached out, entwined.. as light
dissipated, we took our own places back in the dark, estranged"
so played with the pics of the things i bot.. hopefully this just makes me a
little happier enuff not to
go spend rubbish money on rubbish stuff again..
check out the winter jacket.. *lol* i have no idea where I'm going to wear it
to.. was thinking of
going to some cold wintery countries after he passed on.. since I have back my
passport..
but merely 2 weeks later my passport's snatched outta my hands.. obligations
& responsibilities
from all directions.. but like what a few ppl said.. i'm so afraid of the cold i
could prolly wear
it to the movies.. ha ha ha
i still wanna go away.. to somewhere.. not to escape.. i just need to stop and
breathe.. need
to find my footing again.. been knocked off my feet by what seemed like 2
trains.. hit & run..
they never do stop to clean up the mess.. you'll just have to pick the pieces up
& breathe..
i've always done everything merrily almost to such an extent that it annoys ppl
around me
that i've always got this rose-tinted sunglass on my nose.. guess its broken
now.. i'll just
have to find another one.. i'm trying not to complain & depress about
things..
i'm just overwhelmed.. but i'll be ok.. i always am.. eventually..
Wednesday,
30th
April 2008 *not
every friend u luff with lets you show your tears*
wat
can i say about these 2 months? 1 line i guess sums it all : "not
every friend you can laugh with lets you show your tears""
guess i've never really had something happen that i needed a listening
ear until recently.. & in the midst of tears, i can almost
laugh out loud.. half amused half baffled at the insensitivity of some people
& their extreme sensitivity only towards themselves..
how in the midst of someone else's problems, they have the ability to turn
everything around and make it all about themselves..
friends you'd shared so much joy & laughter with, you learn to hold back ur
tears because they simply will not have the capacity
to allow for your tears to flow..
i don't really understand.. how at the times when they fell & cried, we'd
all held them & pulled them back up.. & when it came to
others' turn to fall, they simply couldn't remember how it felt like to be on their
knees guess sometimes their own problems will always
seem more significant than others.. but all i can say is.. material & r/s
problems over life & death problems? even so, we've never
belittled others' problems..
and what you can feel, what you went crazy about, what you bothered others
about, you simply have to remember that other people
can also feel, go crazy, and bother others when they too face problems.. u
really just have to remember how it felt to be down there..
and return that same kindness.. & even if you can't, don't deny them the
right to feel.. i guess most ppl never understand till
it happens to themselves... some simply forget how it felt.. or simply feel that
their problems were more significant...
well i can only hope that when their time comes, people will give them more
kindness than they did..
& as i look back.. on things i'm supposed to forget.. i'm all too aware that
i will laugh, but i will never again show my tears..
sometimes people say that they're always betrayed / taken for granted.. but
honestly i do think that if you take the time to sit
and look inside and be really really honest, & less self-righteous, if a few
friends do that shame on them.. but if its repeatedly
& you're always making new & den drifting from old friends.. then maybe
u had a part to play in it
Wednesday,
4-8 June 2008 *Perfect
Pairs in Bangkok*
Was
such a splendid trip the 4 of us! minus the fact that i'd cot the stupid virus
in SG & promptly fell sick on the 2nd day
with a fever that wouldn't subside for the next 5 days! with dessert wines
packed over from SG.. that's called "enjoy life man"
We didn't shop much this trip.. more of a R&R or maybe cos of the fact that
they had a half-dead sick patient with them!
BKK has quite lost its appeal.. hmm.. doubt I'd be going there unless for
stopovers before heading to the Thailand Islands
for diving.. but still i LOVEE the food there & the cheap doggy stuff! Came
back with 6 doggy beds @ $4 or $10 each!
In SG they cost around $30-$50.. what a rip-off!!! i still love Suan Lum
though.. really hope they'll keep it around..
the atmosphere & stuff there's different from the other places in BKK...
anyhow was a good 2*Pairs bonding trip! came back with even more plans for our
next few trips together & BBQs & Wine & Dines! 
Sunday,
25th May 2008 *Pandora's
Box*
i
don't quite know what to say.. just yesterday morning i'd stared at the candies
& my heart ached for us..
& at nightfall, finding out much more than i'd already known.. was i
surprised?
am always one who forgets fast & hold the good things to my heart.. 1 can do
me bad..
but a moment of kindness from them makes me forget the bad & cherish the
moment & then its like
the bad never happened.. so i guess no, i wasn't surprised.. i'd always known
but i'd just forgotten the bad
& came to love us.. i liked the sound of "us".. of you &
me..
Honour your friends.. especially those closest to your heart.. despite my
shortcomings, that's something
i'd always given the dear ones.. no matter how wrong they are.. you can tell
them in private.. but in the
face of others, you're a team.. maybe a little extreme but no matter how wrong
you are i'd never admit
that in front of others.. & i'd fight for you.. & even if you fall.. i'd
still fight with you till we're both on the
ground... much less to say, you never.. never ever put them down
in front of others behind their backs..
u come from the front.. never from the back.. that's the Honour you give to
those closest to your heart..
my heart's so quiet.. i feel like a little kid sitting on the steps, whose
parents are so late in picking
them up from school.. & i'm waiting.. watching everything go by in slow
motion.. & then i get annoyed with
them for being this late! & moments later i'm close to tears hoping they'd
show up & whisk me away
back home & tell me "everything's gonna be all right"..
& we're back home.. & we laugh about things
& we give kisses & i'm just laughing.. & i forget about the
miserable feelings & thoughts while waiting
on the steps when they'd forgotten to pick me up.. & i'm just
laughing..
Tuesday,
10th June 2008 *&
everytime feels like the first*
sometimes
when i lose myself in day-to-day busies.. it almost feels like i've moved on..
just as long as
i don't think of you.. & when i do, it always feels like the first time..
rips open my wound over & over
again.. it still hurts as badly as the first time.. i still can't believe that
i'll never see those pixie eyes
of yours again until the day i die.. ohh.. if only you knew how much i'm missing
you.. i know you
miss my hugs & pats & kisses.. & it breaks my heart to think that
you're missing me too..
the rest of my life seems awfully long to be living without you..
Friday,
13-15 June 2008
*LATE- Dive Tioman Paya Spa Resort*
Browsing
through the photos for this trip.. i couldn't find any nice pics!!! there
weren't many to choose
from either!! Looking at the earlier trips, the photos then were much nicer
despite crappier
cameras & terrible skills.. last time we'd take pics of EVERYTHING!! even
those black
sea cucumbers you see littered all over the sea bed.. OR maybe we've just been
skipping
more & more dives!!!
Went to ADEX together with the usual Dive Kakis to try to get some Black/White
Manta LOBS or
like some Sipadan trip.. but TADA!! we ended up in Tioman Paya Spa Resort..
>.<!!!
Room sucked.. but company, wine, diving & food was good!! We slept from 11pm
to like 11+am!!
Only doing 3 dives.. though Tioman's reef is so much healthier than the past few
years!!
anyway more of yucky pics here --> http://divecove.ivanshirleen.com
Friday, 21
June 2008 *Perfect
Pairs post-BKK BBQ*
Perfect
Pairs - cos u can pair
us anyway you wan.. & the arrangement would still be a-perfect!
Friday,
18th July 2008 *Happy
Birthday Pupsy!*
"when it comes to u.. the rest of the world fades away.. and i can only see
you.. if only they knew.. of the love we share..
that if God'd permit I'd give you years off my life so I'd never have to wake up
without you..
if I had to choose 1 thing to keep with me for life.. honestly I think it'd be
YOU.."
You
are so beautiful to me
Can't you see?
You're everything I hoped for
You're everything I need
You are so beautiful to me
our song..when i heard this song.. you were the first thing that popped into my
mind..
the most beautiful Angel in this world.. this day last year I was making your
cake..
and you were smiling & posing for this photo.. & who'd know this day
this year..
this photo would cause my heart so much pain..
those pixie eyes of yours.. in which all my imperfections were perfected..
thinking back on all the 12 birthdays i've had with you.. i'm eternally grateful
for having found you.. that little body which could hide me from the rest of
the world.. i still can't fathom how you could have so much love in your tiny
heart..
beautiful.. you're just so beautiful.. the 1st to have felt my heart whenever i
cried..
Happy Birthday my
Puppy.. Mummy loves you so much!! I hope I'd let you felt loved
every single day of your life.. *Muacks*
Sunday,
20th July 2008 *Happy
Birthday Kiddo Naw!*
Happy
Happy Birthday!! *hugs & kisses*
Hand-made a card & friendship band for Kiddo Naw! Would have loved to buy
her
lotsa gifts but the thing is gifts have to be quite subtle so that they do not
incur
ridiculous custom tax costing much more than the actual gift >.<!!
Started out on this 1 month ahead in order to reach her for her bday on
time..
guess what?! It only just got posted out today!! *takes a bow*
Hope next year this day I'll be able to celebrate your birthday
with you in person!!
Monday, 21st
July 2008 *let
the carousel spin*
Carousel
- Shirleen
as the carousel spins faster & faster
the days disappear into this crazy whirlwind of a storm
in the blinding lights.. I throw my head back & laugh..
round & round & round it goes
i'm laughing louder than I've ever laughed..
and I can't stop..
I'm laughing till my sides ache..
till tears stream down my face
& still the carousel spins faster & faster
i get off the wooden horse
breathless from the exhilaration
& as the lights fly by
i see you standing still in the flying lights
our eyes catch each time i spun by you
i tugged at the carousel trying to get it to slow
round & round & round it goes
i run against the spinning carousel
desperately trying to get to the point where you are..
round & round & round it goes
catching a glimpse of you in every full circle it makes..
tears stream down my face
and i scream your name over the din of carnival music
happy clownish carnival music
& i scream your name over & over & over again
grabbing my chest to numb the pain
breathless from the pain
i stood gawking in disbelief
i screamed your name with spit flying off my lips
someone please make the carousel stop..
make it stop, make it stop, make it stop
but round & round & round it goes
i climbed back up the wooden horse
& throw my head back and laugh
as the carousel spins faster & faster
a kaleidoscope of colours is all i see..
i laugh louder & louder
above the carnival music
happy clownish carnival music
i laugh till tears stream down my face
& round & round & round it goes
---shirleen
Wednesday,
30th July 2008 *-_-*
5
months on -_- post-carousel.. this is how my face looks -_-
can't seem to get anything done at all.. dun really wan to do
anything either.. its like i just wanna lie here & just.. well..
just lie here..
you noe how it is so unfair? 'you never get to choose, you
live on what they sent you & you know they're gonna use
the things you love against you' i dun really think that there's
this whole big conspiracy of using things you love against
you.. like would it matter to u if you didn't love it?
for those who have loved & lost sumone..
then i guess u noe wat it means 'one foot in the grave,
one foot in the shower'.. life goes on.. u move on whether
u like it or not.. u move on as a whole or in whatever bits
& pieces that are left of you.. as much as u wished u'd died too..
but there u are in the shower, getting ready for work..
'there's never time to save, you're paying by the hour' ha..
this reminds me how i paid & bought as much time as i could
have.. but like i said.. u can never buy the time God will not give..
damn it!
Falling
Awake - Gary Jules
You never get to choose
You live on what they sent you
And you know they’re gonna use
The things you love against you
One
foot in the grave
One foot in the shower
There’s never time to save
You’re paying by the hour
Tuesday,
5th August 2008 *let
sleeping dogs lie*
why can't you just let sleeping dogs lie? if you don't understand what that
means you can read this :
let sleeping dogs lie
(http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/let_sleeping_dogs_lie)
To leave things as they are; especially, to avoid rekindling an old
argument; to leave disagreements in the past.
for 1 thing i've learnt in 25
yrs of my life - maturity doesn't come with age..
why are things always so complicated? do men enjoy eating each other for a
past-time?
i'd like a world where you could turn your back to the crowd & turn back
around not to find
knives sticking into your back.. no games.. everything should be done from the
front..
only cowards hide in the dark.. some people live long enough to see the
villain in them..
some people live their whole lives seeing saints outta the villains in
them.. I can't believe
the audacity of some people.. 1 person actually!
i dun care about ur stupid childish games.. is that the best you can do?? just
holler & bellow
& wave ur fist???
pls.. dun ruin my happy ending.. of my happy world with happy people and happy
sissys..
Tuesday,
5th August 2008 *flipped*
oh my God.. how the hell did i get from being sooo pissed to reminiscing &
then forgiving & then
not wanting to fight at all & just want a happy little world in a matter of
minutes??
see saying "ommmm" works!
Wednesday, 6th
August 2008 *missing
you*
for
that missing friend..
A
thousand times I've seen you standing
Gravity like lunar landing
You make me wanna run till I find you
I shut the world away from here
As everything we know fades to black
We could have had the sun
Could have been inside
Instead we're over here
Drink to all that we have lost
Mistakes we have made
Everything will change
But love remains the same
So much more to say
So much to be done
Don't you trick me out
We shall overcome
Half the time the world is ending
Truth is I am done pretending
Too much time too long defending
You and I are done pretending
Love
Remains The Same - Gavin Rossdale
Tuesday, 26th
August 2008
*6ixth*
6 months
today.. i'm a tearful mess.. whoever said it gets better is saying it
outta lots of compassion in order not to scare you silly, straight into suicide
mode..
if they'd let on how bad its gonna really get.. u'd prolly preferred to have
done it there
and then, and not after moping around for months & then realise its not
going to get
any easier.. and God.. you have a whole lifetime of this horrible disgustingly
sickeningly
revoltingly empty aching never-ending gut-wrenching heart-breaking
fist-clenching
hair-tearing head-banging blood-curling mind-numbing wall-kicking
nail-digging
lip-biting heart-pulping relentless mind-f*cking torment..
Puppy-love, you must know that i'm missing you terribly.. what am i to do with
all these over-pouring love & tears & pain & longings &
fears?
even the mercy of dreams don't come easy..
the sun goes down
And he sends his stars without a sound
I will wait for you angel
To escape with you angel
You are far too much beauty for this world
The sky prefers you
So you can soar
Fly away angel
Don't be afraid angel
Flew towards the moon in the sky
Its light as bright as your eyes
Then I prayed for you Angel
To escape with you Angel
Sancken's Doll - Natalie Walker
Wednesday,
17th September 2008
*alone in a car*
driving to
work/home alone is where i'm at my most vulnerable.. over the months i've
perfected
the art of crying behind my shades, without any facial expressions.. sumtimes
hours go by lost
amidst busy schedules.. & i try not to think of you sometimes.. until i'm
all alone driving..
that's where there's no escape.. where the missing just gets too much and i just
can't stop the tears..
1 glass of
wine & here i am.. crying.. hardest i've ever let myself since March? still,
am crying without
making a sound.. restrained.. somehow i just can't let myself fall apart in
anyone's knowing.. or perhaps
its because i know that if i let myself go.. i might just fall apart and never
get put back together again..
just like humpty dumpty..
Monday,
22nd September 2008
*a Ring is a
Circle*
found out
today tt I'm getting my Ring!! & the 1st person I thought of calling &
screaming
my joys to was 'her'.. & with that a jab in the heart.. guess with time
everything just quietens
down.. & then u regret the things u've done hurting back.. more often than
not relationships
dun fall apart because of the actual problem.. but its when they fail to stop
hurting back..
guess it started when i realised we were really going to be parted by real
distance.. & tt's when
tears just sprung & i knew.. that i was really going to miss 'her'.. &
then 'damn! what had i done?
with all the hurting back' Sorry
Monday,
24th November 2008
*christmas trees*
passing
the Christmas tree @ AmkHub, i could still remember the 3 of us taking silly
photos there.. & sadness fills my heart.. You were here just last
Christmas.. & all 13
Christmases before that.. sometimes i can't quite understand the finality of
this..
Found my Christmas spirit back last year with kiddos M&N.. God's splendid
gift of a
wonderful last Christmas..
再一次拥有 -
龚诗嘉
我想念去年的冬天 下著雪的那一夜
你给的温柔 紧握的双手
温暖整个寒冬
失去了曾经的拥有 在你离开以后
带走了笑容 只留下寂寞
忘了幸福是什么
没有你的夜
特别的漆黑
只能闭上双眼去感觉
没有我的夜 谁在你身边
代替了那个从前
能不能再听一次你说爱我
回到还在你怀里的时候
能不能让我 再一次拥有
曾属于我的温柔
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i miss the winter of last year, the night when snow was falling
the gentleness which you gave, you held my hands in yours so tightly
warmed the entire winter
When you left, I lost all that I once possessed
You took away the smiles, leaving only loneliness behind
I've forgotten what happiness is
The night is especially dark without you
I can only close my eyes and feel
At night without me, who is by your side?
Replacing our past
Can i hear you say you love me once more?
to return to when i was still in your embrace
is it possible to let me possess again
the gentleness that once belonged to me
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Saturday, 6th December 2008
*Veron's Wedding*
my
childhood best friend/windsor neighbour.. who loved me unconditionally &
taught me soo many things..
& together we had so many firsts! 1st contact lens, 1st baking, 1st cooking,
1st singing,
1st guitar, 1st blading, 1st poem, 1st songwriting, 1st card games, 1st
clay-making, 1st origami,
first Church Mass, 1st prayer sessions, 1st rosary praying, 1st gold rosary ring
from her mum & so many more
firsts... & i can still remember her jokes, the scenes clear like a video on
replay..
though we're continents apart now, the sweet memories & all you have ever
given me
will always be embedded deep within my heart.. & i'll always be grateful for
you..
Thursday,
18th December 2008
*waves*
it comes in
waves.. it's like saying goodbye all over again..
i miss u..
i can say it so many times without it meaning any lesser
lost in busies.. till the last 2 days.. i knew another wave would crash the
shores..
dreamt of you this morning.. in my dreams i was coming home on the way
up.. "taking stock" of my dogs by their barks.. 1) Caramel 2) Rhea
& then 3) You Puppy..
on my way to work.. the 1st song on the cd-player was Your Song.. "You are
so beautiful to me"
Poopsiyo.. wait for me ok? i have to believe that we'll meet again.. otherwise
it'd
all be too much to bear..
21st
to 25th December 2008
*Chronological Christmas*
 
Celebrated
X'mas early with Chibuddy @ Sentosa on the 21st! made a X'mas Tree Rice
"cake" for the dogs!
Met Kor for Acres X'mas Dinner & for more drinks @ East Coast Sunset Bay..
& off to Miao's for Chibuddy's
MJ till the weeee hours!
the people
who i celebrated most of my earlier Christmases with! Windsor neighbours.. this
yr's our 19th
X'mas!!
the
most important X'mas celebration of all !!! with my FAMILY..
check this gift out!!! entirely handmade by my sis's bf for her! *faintz*
finally
whisked off to Annie's place to meet the rest of Chibuddies for X'mas MJ &
TCSS & Coffee..
at 4am we were off to the airport for our 5 days of X'mas in
Cambodia!!
Friday, 26th
December 2008
*i*S
Engaged in Ta Prohm*
i think
initially they'd plan to "setup" the proposal in Angkor Wat itself..
but Ta Promh has lovely tall big trees
growing into the temples & lesser people.. & its where they shot Tomb
Raider!
Setup :
#1 - Xian told me the box containing the flowers was actually Canon Lenses
(really smart.. i use Nikon & can't share canon lens so i didn't bother
opening the box!)
#2 - Taking group photos over & over again at that particular spot!! (i
normally setup the camera.. but Ivan was sooo nice to offer to help me)
#3 - we took like 5 group photos & the tour guide's already very far away..
& i was getting off to dismount the camera from the tripod.. (but they kept
asking me to go back)
haha this was where the setup was found out! like how many times do we need to
take group photo at the same spot!!
no romantic
teary love declaration & cheesy self-written poems.. BUT thanks anyway
dearie for everything you've given me in this 5 years!
i love you! *muacks*
many thanks
to Xian & XP for helping Ivan buy & sneak the flowers all the way to
Cambodia & for hiding it so well
that I was more shocked to see the flowers than the actual proposal setup.. 5
roses for the 5 years we've been
together.. & for helping us take lots of memorable photos & video! &
of course the Ring-Bearer Isaac who had to
carry the ring in his pocket everywhere for 2 gruelling days!! thanks
everyone for making this day so special!
Wednesday,
31st December 2008
*Goodbye 2008*
2001
NY eve.. i remember i was by my poolside, with Puppy running up &
down, doing his cute little sprints..
coming outta the fog.. it was such a beautiful night with him... my 18th NY
eve.. & i woke up then.. together
with him by my side..
2006
NY eve - i was filled with sooo much excitement for the coming year..
for the first time i wasn't running
miles ahead of life but actually abreast with life.. no longer living in the
future but in the present.. and with
all the wanderlusting & my beautiful family, dogs & Ivan.. that was true
bliss..
2007
NY eve - reluctantly left 2007 behind.. 2008 felt like it would be a
really quiet year.. in the sense that it's
not going to be crazy highs.. more of a me-growth year.. & indeed it turned
out to be the harshest year i have
ever faced.. that will always ring with loss.. i lost the love of my life.. a
love i loved more than my own life.. Puppy..
grow? i guess i did.. but did i grow up or did i grow weary of life? now i'm
running against life.. into the past..
chasing after shadows of us with both my feet chained to tomorrow..
2008 NY eve - i have to believe that 2009
will be a good year.. that God will be kind to me & my loved ones..
i thrust my life in Your hands.. please be gentle with it.. resolutions for
2009? i will stand tall in the sun again..
i will get back on my feet.. i will not run.. but i will walk.. until Your Grace
sends wind beneath my feet and then
will i run again.. and the times i find myself on the ground.. pls lay here with
me.. & place him in my arms..
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